Radio mirror (Nov 1937-Apr 1938)

RADIO MIRROR The Man I Hate — And Vice Versa (Continued from page 19) your "Would you let me float in swimming pool, Mr. Fields?" "You wouldn't float— you'd sink. You're waterlogged." Well, that got me down. "Waterlogged," indeed, indeed, indeed. Bergen intervened: "Bill, try to realize that Charlie's life is quite different from ours." "I should say it is," said Mr. Fields. "He gets planted, then he grows up. We grow up and then we get planted. Fatalistically analytical — they didn't think I could say that ... 1 didn't think I could mvself." But 1 couldn't contain myself. "You're not kidding me." I blurted to Mr. Fields. "You used that line in your last picture." "Oh. you saw it?" drawled Mr. Fields. "How did vou like it?" "Rotten!" I said, feeling like a wooden heel. But the round was mine. As I remember the first round of our feud went to Mr. Fields, although some of my repartee clung to him like burls — burrs, I mean. There I go thinking redwood again. "How old is Charlie r"' Mr. Fields asked Bergen, ^and Bergen said "He's twelve vears old." "Twelve vears old," repeated Mr. Fields. "How interesting I wonder if the little nipper will sing me a song?" I WILL if you give me ten dollars," I ' replied. "Ten dollars? He's more than twelve!" said Mr Fields. "He's really older than he looks," explained Bergen. "He was hewn out of an old oak tree." (I wish Bergen would get together with himself on this. One time it's a white pine, and then it's an oak. I doubt if he really knows.) "His face looks as if it were hewn out of a piece of sassafras root." said Mr. Fields, not at all like a gentleman. "Oh, is that so?" I blurted. "If you had to cut your face out of a piece of wood, they would have to use redwood for a nose — and an ample bit of it. too, I'd say." And that was the way that started. "Yes — oh yeah — of course!" fumed Mr. Fields. "Redwood for a nose! He's a fresh little punk, isn't he? Redwood for a nose! He'5; full of termites. Take him away from me, he draws flies." I had a hard time keeping myself in hand (Bergen's hand). "He's drunk!" I yelled. "Yes and I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll still be full of termites," Mr. Fields yelled back at me. Ringsiders at that one declared it was Mr. Fields' round but my words kept haunting him. ". . Redwood for a nose . . . he's only twelve eh? What's he wearing a wig for?" Mr. Fields mumbled. "Can you imagine that little rat . redwood for a nose.' Don't let him get away— will you? 'Redwood for a nose' . . I'll take Baby LeRoy in preference any time. And he's no bargain." The next time Mr. Fields and I came together socially 1 did my best to bridge the gap. lust an old-fashioned wooden bridge but no go. "Hello Mr. Fields!" 1 said. "Oh hello blood poison." "Mr. Fields I've been reading a book." "Who hasn't?" queried Mr. Fields. "This book has taught me a lot ot things. I want to apologize for the nasty way 1 talked about your nose being made of redwood " "Think nothing of it. Forget it" said SEND COUPON for TAN GEE'S MIRACLE MAKE-UP SET, containing generous samples of Tangee Lipstick, Rouge Compact, Creme Rouge, and Face Powder 10° FREE! CHARM TEST! —an amazing new chart that actually measures your charm ! Reveals your personality, gives you self-confidence and poise, the ability to attract men. Approved by an eminent psychologist. Sent FREE with Tangee's 10<J Miracle Make-Up Set. \ w \ fb! .*^1,* -.egos ' Geor rus^ CO ?$&t3fc M*° a.c\ ^use-CO^ B0' <.\M Q-fjac' ?a& O *lt V^el 07