Radio mirror (Nov 1937-Apr 1938)

RADIO MIRROR "Mr. Fields," continued my attorney, silencing me with a look. "Did you, or did you not, on the same day, accuse my client of being full of termites?" "Full of termites? Yes ... I remember. I answer in the affirmative," saidMr. Fields, meaning "yes." "But there were extenuating circumstances. Charles squirmed off Mr. Bergen's knee three times that day. It was not a threat . . . I only wanted to warn him. 1 feared for the little chap's innards. I thought he probably had ants." "Mr. Fields, did you, or did you not, on May 16th, last, describe my client as a piece of Grade B lumber?" "How true . . . how true . . . but Grade B lumber, counsellor, is very near and dear to my heart. Grade B lumber . . . my little grade home in the West. Pardon me, barrister, while I shed a tear." Mr. Fields mopped his eyes. "My old homestead was constructed of that material ... a modest little lean-to. We had no windows but very large cracks in the wall which served the purpose admirably." This was too much. I could see my case and my barrister weakening. "On May 30th he said he would sick a woodpecker on me. Ask him to explain that. Go ahead!" I insisted. "It was merely a lark . . . Havy, haw . . . stop me — I only wanted to give the little chap the bird." THE bird, eh? Now what does he mean ' by that crack?" I asked. "Tut, tut," my lawyer said. "Let's stick to the case. Mr. Fields, did you, or did you not, on June 20th, threaten to drive a nail into the chest of my client?" "I understood he was afflicted with Grade B lumber-pneumonia . . . and thought his chest should be tapped." "Oh, my, oh my . . . he's the most deceitful man I ever knew!" I bawled. "Double-crosser . . . buzzard . . ." "Cease, Mr. McCarthy," said my lawyer. "Very beautiful, Mr Fields." "And, what's more, did or did not the little nipper threaten to clip me and mow me down? Insist that my nasal organ was made of redwood . . . accuse me of being an addict of the Demon Rum? Have you forgotten that, my little plaintiff?" "I haven't, but on the other hand ..." I tried to say. "Did I not refer to you as my diminutive little chum, my pretty little twig, my own flesh and timber? Did I not offer you my nose filled with nickels?" continued Mr. Fields. "Yes, but you forget ..." I interposed. "A veritable fortune for a young lad in such modest circumstances ... no food to buy, barrister ... no liquid to consume . . . practically no overhead . . . not even a bath to take . . . just a little sand paper now and then. What a fortunate little sapling," gushed Mr. Fields. "There he goes again!" I yelled. "Get •that down — get that down . . . make a note of that." "The little chap does not know his forestry," said Mr. Fields in tones that would melt granite. The lawyer commenced to sob. "There is no need to go any further, Mr. Fields. I understand," he said. This was going too far. "Yeah — and you said you'd prune every twig off my body. Explain that!" I ordered. "Quiet, Mr. McCarthy," ordered my lawyer. "Go on, Mr. Fields." But I couldn't be quiet. "He called me a little rat ... a little punk ... he said he'd saw my arm off . . ." "Oh, how could the boy misunderstand soon Girlishly Soft and Smooth \y into the sUn ^^^^gg *<n *«**-' then Happiness for TWO Young HANDS are adorable! Soft and smooth! How much older your hands look when you let the skin get rough and dry. Simple exposure to wind or cold— or even the use of water — will take away youth-giving moisture from your hand skin. Then it's like old skin— harsh, likely to crack— not nice to touch. Turn to Jergens Lotion for help. Jergens restores moisture to your skin because it soaks in. Of all lotions tested, Jergens proved to go in the best. You remember—it never feels sticky. Those two famous ingredients in Jergens are the same as many doctors use to smooth and whiten rough, chapped skin. Even one application softens amazingly! Romance usually comes to girls with charming hands. So don't delay. Get Jergens Lotion today. Only 50^, 25^, 10<t\ $1.00 for the big economy size — at any drug, department, or 10^ store. . WALTER WINCHELL broadcasts every Sunday night — NBC Blue Network — Coast-to-Coast. Listen in ! ffStCCi f Purse-Size Bottle of Jergens Convince yourself — entirely free — how quickly Jergens goes in — softens rough harsh hands. I MAIL THIS COUPON, NOW Andrew Jergens Co., I736Alfred St., Cincinnati, Ohio (In Canada, Perth, Ontario.) I do want to try Jergens Lotion. Please send my purse-size — free. _ State _ 69