Radio mirror (Nov 1937-Apr 1938)

RAD 10 MIRROR MEASURING GLASS worth 354|(|iJP; Every medicine cabinet needs one! Shows teaspoons and tablespoons. Ends all guesswork wh enever you measure medicine. Offer limited. Get yours while they last — at your druggist! FREE WITH 6 OUNCE BOTTLE OF ZONITE 1. BAD BREATH— Gargle, rinse, brush teeth with Zonite dilution. Zonite removes causes of halitosis — kills tobacco breath, even onion breath ! 2. DANDRUFF — Zonite actually destroys dandruff and all scalp germs — at contact! Ends nasty scalp odor. Use Zonite scalp treatment when washing head. 3. CUTS AND WOUNDS— Zonite kills many kinds of dangerous germs, not just one or two. Then tissues heal in /ess time! Apply Zonite wet dressing at once. 4. SORE THROAT— Zonite kills "cold bugs" at start 1 At first sign of irritation, gargle every 2 hrs. with Zonite dilution. 5. "ATHLETE'S FOOT"— Zonite treatment gives quick relief from itching. For prevention, bathe feet in Zonite solution. Jonite Hail! Hail! The Gag's All Here {Continued from page 31) the secret. You'll listen to the greatest wooing of history this evening because — Parkyakarkus loves Martha Raye and Martha loves Parky! Al: Why, Tiny, how can you say such a thing! You know Parky and Martha spend all their time insulting one another! Tiny: That's just it — that's how I know they're in love. They're both so shy they don't want the other to know their secret. But really they're simply eating their hearts out for one another. You just listen tonight and see if I'm not right. Martha: (She's outside in the ball, but we can hear her yelling.) Ohhhh boy! Lifebuoy! Oh boy! Al: Shh, Martha, we're on the air. Martha: Oh, am I mad! Am 1 mad! Say Al, how much would you charge to kill a guy? Al: Me kill a guy? What for? Martha: 1 was standing outside the studio, minding my own business — and some guy drove up and hitched his horse to me! Al: Well, don't you mind, Martha — here comes Parkyakarkus to comfort you now. Martha: Comfort me? That Swivelpuss? He was the guy that did it! Al: Now, don't try to deceive us, Martha. Tiny has discovered your secret, and it's safe with us and a couple of million people listening in. Tiny: That's right, Martha. Why, do you know what Parky said about you the other day? He said, "When I gaze into Martha's eyes, time stands still." Parky: Yeah — but what I meant was her face would stop a clock. Al: You shouldn't say that about Marthy, Parky. You're no Don Juan. Parky: Just the same, a girl at the party we went to last night said 1 had the face of a great lover. Al: (Laughing scornfully.) Well, I certainly wouldn't say that about you. Martha: Neither did the girl. What she really said was, "Wow, look at that kisser!" Parky: Well, Martha did all right with her kisser, Al. You should of been there when they started playing kissing games. She kissed three fellas at one time, and didn't even use her lower lip! Martha: (In a rage.) Somebody give me a feather — 1 want to beat his brains out! Al: I'm afraid you're too late, Martha. As a child he was kicked in the head by a grasshopper. Parky: Anyway, I'm good looking. Look at her, with that mouth! Why, in her last picture she yawned and I couldn't see Bing Crosby! Al: Now, Parky, stop talking like that. You know Martha is the girl of your dreams. Parky: If she is, I'm gonna stop eating before I go to bed. Martha: Parkyakarkus, why don't you go out and get an aspirin? Parky: What for? I ain't got a headache. Martha: No, but I have. Parky: How can something ache when there ain't nothing there? Martha: You should talk — if there was a sales tax on brains you'd get a refund. Parky: Is that so? I got more brains in my whole head than you got in your little finger. You know the sit-down strikes they was having a couple months ago? They got that idea from me. Sure! . . . Parkyakarkus. Al: Oh, you're smart all right. Parky: I was even smart B. S. S. Be fore Social Security. Martha: You don't even know what Social Security is! Parky: I do too! I'll even explain it to you. If I'm sitting in my automobile with a beautiful girl on a lonely road and it's a dark night and the moon is shining and the stars is blinking — and if the Government will only pass a law to keep Martha Raye away — Boy, that's Socia Security! Martha: What'd I ever do to deservt this! Parky, why do you keep on insulting me? Parky: Well, to tell you the truth Martha, I hate singers. Martha: But there are lots of singer— why do you always pick on me? Parky: When I insult singers — I stan at the bottom! Martha: I've had enough of this! Mr Jolson! I want you to fire this guy. Parky: Okay, I can always go back tc Loretta. She likes me. Martha: Loretta who? Parky: Loretta Young. Martha: Go on, Loretta Young doesn't even know you're alive. Parky: Boy! Just give me ten minuter alone with her and will she be surprised' You know, I just wrote a poem specia for Loretta Young. Martha: Don't recite it. Parky: All right, I will. It says "Loretta Young, you beautiful Lorettr Young. Ooh, how I'd love to kiss you— ugh'" Martha: That's the poem? Is that afar as you got? Parky: Yeah, I could never get am farther with Loretta Young. Martha: Listen, I don't believe you even know her. Parky: Who don't? She's a relative ol mine, even. Martha: (Scornfully.) How is Lorettn Young related to you? Parky: Her father and my father were fathers. Martha: Well, your father certainly wouldn't admit it if he could see you in that suit you're wearing now. All the colors of the rainbow! Is that your new fall outfit? Parky: If it ain't I'm stuck six bucks. Martha: You mean you got all that for six dollars? Parky: Yeah — I found a place where they sell you a suit with three vests, six pairs of pants, a topcoat, a twenty-six piece set of dishes, an oil painting, a slicker and a manicure. Martha: What — no raccoon coat? Parky: No, but they give you board and room in a hotel for two days? Martha: All for six dollars? Parky: Yeah, but it's a very cheap hotel. I bought another suit there too. Boy, would you love that one! A suit with two pair of gloves. Martha: Two pair of gloves? What's the idea of that? Parky: It ain't got no pants and you got to keep warm somehow. Martha: And look at your vest! It's too short — it doesn't even meet the pants! Parky: I'm gonna introduce them in a couple days. But anyway, they don't have to meet, on account of that poem— you know, East is East and Vest is Vest, and never the pants shall meet. Martha: Oh, you've got everything all wrong again. It's never the twain shall meet. The twain! The twain! Parky : Aw, cut out the baby talk. Martha: I'll certainly never invite you to any of my parties. In those clothes 72