Radio mirror (Nov 1937-Apr 1938)

RADIO MIRROR you'd disgrace me. Parky: Oh, don't worry about that. If I have to go to a high class party I get all dressed up in my herringbone suit and I put a cake of Lifebuoy in my pocket. Martha: Am I hearing right? When you go to a formal party you put a cake of Lifebuoy in your herringbone suit? Parky: Yeah — I get all dressed up in my soap and fish. Martha: You mean soup and fish — soup — soup — didn't you ever hear of soup? Parky: I hear it every time you eat it with that big mouth of yours. I love soup, but I'm very fussy. Last night in my house we had soup but I couldn't eat it. Martha: Wasn't it good? Parky: It was delicious. Martha: Then why couldn't you eat it? Parky: We ain't got no spoons. Martha: Well, why didn't you run next door and borrow a spoon? Parky: This was next door where I was eating. Martha: (Beginning to yell.) But I thought you said you were in your house! Parky: Well, that's where I live — next door. Martha: Help! You live next door to yourself? Parky: Yeah. It's a duplex — four families live there. Martha: How do four families live in one duplex? Parky: They eat crab apples arid double up! Al: (Interrupting briskly.) Come on, folks, we've got to get to work on tonight's play ... Ladies and gentlemen, tonight my little company and I will offer for your approval our conception of that famous play which was suggested by Parkyakarkus' head — "Dead End." Parky: Wait a minute. I don't like that play. I got another one here I like to do. Al: All right — what play do you want to do? Parky: "Eighth Heaven!" Al: "Eighth Heaven?" You mean "Seventh Heaven." Parky: Naw, that was last year's version— this is this year's. Al: Well, all right Parky — that's a good play too. (Whispering to Tiny.) All right. Tiny, we'll see if your suspicions are correct. We'll let Parky and Martha play the leads in this play, the two lovers. And if they're really in love they'll give great performances. (Louder.) Martha, come here a minute, honey. We're going to do "Seventh Heaven," and you play the part of Diane. Parky, you're Chico! Parky: Who are you — Harpo? Al: Now, Parky, the action takes place in Paris, and you live in an attic. But you don't like it — in fact, the attic gives you a pain. Now what do you do? Parky: I take two aspirins for my attic. Al: No, no! You make love to Martha — you're the hero. Parky: Boy, if I make love to her I must be a hero. Al: Now, Martha, Parky is in the attic. He's been waiting for you for six hours — Parky, where are you going? Parky: I'm gonna open a window — it's too stuffy here in the attic. Al: Oh, come here! Now, Martha, the attic is seven flights up and when you come home, you run up the stairs because when you get to the top, you know what you get? Martha: Sure, I get all out of breath. Al: No, no — after you've run up the stairs you find Parkyakarkus. Martha: If that's what I get, I'll walk! Say, why must this thing be seven flights up? Al: Because it's in the play. Martha: Well, let's do a play about a two-family house. Al: The next play we do will be in a lunatic asylum. Now Parky, in this play you keep saying, "I am a very remarkable fellow." You see, you have a colossal egotism. Parky: Is that worse than rheumatism? Al: No, no — that's the keynote of the play. Now, let's go. Parky, you're in the attic, waiting for Diane. Parky: Diane — Diane — oh. where is Diane! I am a very remarkable fellow. Where are you, Tootsie? Ah, there you are. Hello, Diane. (Nobody says anything!) Al: Well, come on, Diane, say something. That's your cue. Martha: Well, give me a chance! (Panting heavily.) You think it's a cinch running up seven flights. . . . 'Alio, Chico! How you wass, keed? Oh, I like you too much — come, let me kees you! Parky: (And wouldn't you be scared toof) Keep away or I'll slug you. Al: She's got to kiss you, Parky, it's in the play. Parky: Well, I don't wanna play. If I got to do parts where I got to kiss girls, why can't we get Loretta Young on this program? Al: Oh, go on! Kiss Martha. Parky: Boy, if I can live through this, will I be a remarkable fellow! Come here, keed, and let me kees you. (Maybe it's a kiss, but it sounds more like an explosion.) Martha: They named this play wrong — this shouldn't be "Seventh Heaven," it should be "Anything Goes." Parky: And now we get married, wee? NeivOi ream "SkuiMtamin DOCTORS have known for some time that a certain vitamin is particularly beneficial to the skin. When we eat foods that contain it, this vitamin helps to keep skin healthy. Then doctors applied this vitamin right to skin in cases of wounds and burns — and found it healed the skin more quickly! This is the "skin-vitamin" that you now get in Pond's Vanishing Cream. BETTER THAN EVER FOR SKIN MRS. W. FORBES MORGAN OF WASHINGTON, D. C. Always grand for flaky skin. 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Rush special tube of Pond's new "skin-vitamin" Vanishing Cream, enough for 9 treatments, with samples of 2 other Pond's "skiivitamin" Creams and 5 different shades of Pond's Face Powder. I enclose 10(5 to cover postage and packing. Name Street _______ . City State Copyright. 1937, PoDd's Extract Company 73