Radio Broadcast (May-Oct 1925)

8o Radio Broadcast fact, do not waste their time on the gentlemen of this trade." "Nature is wonderful," agreed the doughty officer. "As we were saying," we continued, "the announcers will perish, but respectable realtors, cheese-brokers, and clothing dealers will continue to drink chocolate sodas and to roll the bones. No longer will war ravage and impoverish countries. Such, at least, was my plan and expectation. And now you, Colonel, tell me that the great nations of Euphratea and Kustania are on the brink of another war — when they finish the present one — over a question of broadcasting stations! Oh, Colonel " Such was our agitation that we stood up in the rowboat. "Sit down," called the officer. "You are rocking the boat." Indeed, the boat was oscillating like the single-circuit receiver owned by the janitor's little boy. We sat down. "Nothing could be more natural," Colonel Combust asserted. "The Euphratean engineers having erected a 3-kilowatt station, immediately the greasy Kustanians proceeded to put up one of 10 kilowatts. Is not that a casus belli ? Shall we hesitate to defend our national honor?" "But, sir," we assured him, "does any one doubt that three Euphratian kilowatts are worth ten Kustanian kilowatts?" "Absolutely," cried the Colonel. "But you should hear the modulation. It is an atrocity. The whole world should make war on a country which permits such distortions in the ether." "Don't say that, Colonel! On that basis, will not the League of Nations attack Newark, New Jersey, and stab it in the lower wavelengths?" committees are aunomieers "Why not?" inquired Colonel Combust, undisturbed, as ever, at the prospect of another war. "The surrounding marshes will be eternally grateful to any power which delivers them from some of those Class A coffeegrinder broadcasters." "Besides," he continued, reverting to his favorite subject of the disputes between Euphratea and its hostile neighbor, "why should Kustania have a broadcasting station at all? The miserable Kustanian goatherds have no more valid use for such an apparatus than a football player has for a brassiere." "Are they deaf and dumb, then?" we asked. "No," answered our informant, "although it would be a blessing if they were. You should hear their so-called broadcasting, What uncouth speech! What asinine arguments! What unadulterated drivel! Music such as little children make on their drums and fish-horns on Christmas! It is indescribable. One must hear it. But, as you seem a well-meaning and moral young man, I pray that you may be preserved from such an ordeal." "Colonel, you speak exactly like one broadcaster about another in the same town — in my country. They refer to each other, reciprocally, in such sweet terms. But this is a conflict which we cannot resolve at the present time. So tell me, Colonel, would it not be possible for you to issue forth from this river and have dinner with me in that town I see on the horizon?" "It would be bad tactics," answered the immersed officer, regretfully. "We have strategically placed our superb army in this river because the despicable Kustanians have 60,000 more men than we. But, such is their fear of being washed, that they will not venture near a body of water of this size. Thus by remaining in the river we are carrying the war to a glorious conclusion." "The sensation of hunger," writes the physiologist Cannon, ". . . may take imperious control of human actions." A journalist is human. Hunger forced us to take leave of the heroic Colonel Combust and the other brave Euphrateans. When we had rowed about fifty feet towards the shore the Colonel hailed us. "Sir, will you grant me a great favor?" he called. " Bring me back a ham sandwich and a water-proof radio receiver." "Why the radio receiver?" we asked. "Would you not rather have two ham sandwiches?" "No," answered the valiant soldier pite