Radio doings (Dec 1930-Jun1932)

Page Eighteen RADIO DOINGS February, 1931 roc yctc entertainment {{OlEETHES there a mole-er-breathes there a hole" — well — is there anyone living within dialing distance of KNX who hasn't been more or less convulsed with Discount Standard McWebster's learned discourses on some tropic or other? Gene Byrnes, who created the character of the silver-tongued (if somewhat befuddled) orator is best described as versatile, and when we say versatile we mean just that! He is an organist of ability: he has written over four hundred songs, the best known being "Lolita My Dove" and "Elisa ;" he is a poet and writer; he has recently composed a suite of orchestral pieces called, "Moods of the Sea;" and he entertains over the air in six characters each speaking a different dialect! And to top it all off, Gene is really funny in an inimitable way that has to do with hands, voice intonations, gestures, eyebrows, etc. If you aren't amused by the following discourse after you have had it read out loud in the manner of the impassioned orators of the old school, then your sense of humor has that "tired, dragging, sluggish feeling" and needs Gene Byrnes once (at least) daily to tone it up. Mondays, Wednesdays and Friday noons Mr. Byrnes picks scraps from waste basket and Thursday night at 8:30 he joins Jack Carter to make the "Soup to Nuts" program a riot of mirth. Presenting — The World's Leading Opponent of the King's English DISCOUNT STANDARD McWEBSTER. F.B. (Financially Busted) In a very learned discourse on the tropic: "Every Good American Should Own His Own Comb" The apartment louse is doomed! The American people are immersing from the cliff dwelling sage-er-page-er-age and are migrazing to the adverbs-er-songbirds-er-suburbs. Here a man can find a clot of brass-er-a blot of jazz-er-a plot of grass to call his own. Here beer gardens-er-flower gardens shall break forth into bloomers and old smother razor-er-old mother Nature shall reign supine! Heaven speed the day when this enlibcled generator shall follow in the pootfnnts of our floorfathers and make their way into the plural districts! (HOORAY!) No doubt you have been on a free real estate slip-er-pip-er-trip. You will doubtless wreck-a-neck the pasty-er-hasty-er tasty box crunch with which you were nerved-erserved. Then you were shown a dutiful lot and they took you into a three by sick booth called the "Turkey bath." If you didn't pie a lot you ought to be hot-er-shot! In fact you probably were. The modern steal estate man is the Christopher Columnar of the 20th gentry. He is grazing a tail-er-brazing a nailer-blazing a trail. He is carrying the porch aloft to light the way for the regenerations to folly-er-follow! I say — more shower to him! (HOORAY!) Bleeds there the lamb with mole so bread that has never vichysized-er-visual-ervizzyvissy-er-division-er-viscitude-er-er — who has never dreamed of some day zoning hi* own dome? It is the innermost serge of every humid being! A man screams of sitting in front of his own heart and gazing into the mouldering members a rundown-er-sundown. He wants to see his little chilblains praying on the tinoleum. He wants to see a fritter of poppys-er-a critter of snuppies-era litter of puppies tumbling around on the liver room snore-er-living room floor. He wants the bribery-er-tribery-er-privacy that only a little jungeglow surrendered with euchrepiptus fleas-er-trees can give to him! Let us hail the day when every jam will tone his own foam! (HOORAY!) But as they say in Italics, "Fempus Tugit," and so I must bring my message to a nose. Let me league you with a few shoasing clurds-er-posing birds-er-closing words of perspiration. Get out into the wide open faces. Forget the way white gay that leads to instruction. Stick to the straight and marrow bath that will make you successpool! Be tankfull that you are living in a spree country! If a man asks you to mock a smile with him, go with a sprain. Go out and get that concrete dome now! Start praying off the morgue at seven for a cent. Remember the words of that great English skatesman, William Flit: He said, "The Thirst Shall be Flask, and the Glass shall be hearse!" I CRANK YOU! WARNING: This speech is a copyrighted feature and cannot be used for any professional purposes without permission of the author. — Gene Byrnes. MISCHA CEGNA Russian 'cello soloist who is heard on Justin Johnson's program at 8:30 nightly over KMTR i.s recognized as a brilliant artist both in Europe and America "Twin\le, Twin\le, Little Star, How we wonder WHERE you are!" Before the ink was dry on last month's book, Charlie Wellman had packed up and fled to San Francisco to join the National Broadcasting Company staff and Velva G. Darling, Modern Girl Philosopher, was lured over to the United Broadcasting Company. Now that that's straightened out it might be well to alibi ourselves. The first of the year brought many hundreds of changes in station personnel, programs, talent and sponsors. Many contracts were renewed, some cancelled and some inaugurated. We foresaw the trap and hated to commit ourselves, but the show must go on, of course. Now that everyone has settled down and gotten used to writing 1931 we promise to give you the most accurate and up-to-the-minute radio news that it is humanly possible to give. That was our New Year's resolution. We'll begin by telling you that Charlie Wellman, Prince of Pep, is singing about Mellow'd coffee on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 10 over KGO, KHQ, KOMO. KGW, KECA, KFSD and KTAR. Velva G. Darling dispenses wisdom over the United chain at 9:00 every morning except Sunday. The National Broadcasting Company assures an anxious world that Amos 'n' Andy. The Shell Happy Time, The Spotlight Review, Standard School of the Air, Gilmore Circus, "Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," The Palmolive Hours, The Armstrong Quakers and many other favorite programs will remain on the air during 1931. In addition, many new programs of interest are appearing daily on the schedule, one of the newest being Our Own Bobby Jones in a series of golf chats announced by Georgia Drawl (Bill) Munday. These talks will originate at WSB in Atlanta. The time is 5 p. m. every Wednesday over KGO, KHQ, KOMO, KGW, KEGA, KFSD, KTAR. The last of February, Jones will be here on the coast and will broadcast probably from KFI. Then there's Gus Arnheim and his Hotel Cocoanut Grove orchestra and Paul Whiteman's famous Rhythm Boys who are sponsored for a series of Thursday night, at 9:00 broadcasts. Paul Whiteman himself may be enjoyed over the NBC on Tuesday nights at 5:00. Jack and Ethyl returned on January 24th at 9:30 (and every Saturday thereafter) with a 1 5minute western historical drama which is certain to be sure-fire with the fans. Edna Wallace Hopper, world famous beauty at more than 60 years is telling women the priceless secret of her preservation in a series of semi-weekly broadcasts over the National Broadcasting Company every Wednesday and Friday between 12:00 and 12:1? p. m. You can see that your radio enjoyment has been carefully considered by this company.