Radio doings (Dec 1930-Jun1932)

the hust appearance'"' or "Why is a Radio Singer? Words, Music and Sound Effects by Mike Kelly The following chronological matter purports to flow from the reactionary psychosis of the "artist" who, last night, made his first radio appearance. After diligent research, deliberation and experimental preponderation, in studio laboratories (using anonymous fossils for comparative analysis . . . names being withheld by police!), it has been decided that the case in question is specifically susceptible to the adaptations of radio phenomena, (Phenonmenae? . . . nerts!), and therefore, in the interests of science, should be exposed. CURTAIN: (As we theatrical guys say) : 7:00 a.m. — Artist awakens. (Not very often . . . moderation is keynote here!) Two seconds later, yawns. Dazedly scratches self, (whether itchy or not.) Discovers nightie in roll around neck. Brings analytical mind to bear. Decides nightie got cold during night and tried to snuggle up. Continues for five or ten minutes. 7:10 a.m. — Remembers night before! Blood pressure mounts fifty points. Was on air for first time! Gosh! Thinks upon radio generally. Great industry. In fancy now. Important. Brings joy to thousands. Shutins! Gets sloppy over idea. Warm glow permeates being with thought that at last he is integral part of radio. 7:30\a.m. — Gets up. Surveys self in nude in mirror. Television coming. Superb physical attributes required. Big future for man with right qualifications. (At least that's what magazine article said! M'gosh!) 7:15 a.m. — Begins dressing. Very careful to look best. 8:30 a.m. — Goes out. Has breakfast. (Menu will be mailed without charge to first 500 persons writing in.) Hums little ditty while waitress writes down order. Looks at her closely to see if she recognizes his voice. She makes no sign. Well ... ah ... er! Oh, of course. Nice of her. Realizes that she knows aversion of celebrities in Hollywood to being recognized. She is merely being considerate! Sweet gal. Decides not to tip her! 9:15 a.m. — Walks into offices at station. Adjusts tie and smoothes hair just before entering. Wonders how to acknowledge the effusive greetings with which office girls are sure to receive him. Darned good and snooty with 'em? Idea attractive . . . but . . . no. Better not. Well, then . . . rush in with important air? Much business to attend to? No time to notice anyone? M-m-m! No. Not so good. Ah! Brisk! Brisk but polished, and suave. Never too busy to observe little punctilios. Gentleman at all times. That's it! Oke. 9:16 a.m. — Steps resolutely into office. Fortified to stand up under flood of attention. Pleasant smile ready. Rightthing-to-say-at-right moment on tip of tongue. Telephone girl looks up. "What do you want?" Pulse drops off. Explains to girl that he is radio artist. Member of staff. Sings. Vague light of recognition mingled with doubt comes over his features. She takes attention from him to answer call at switchboard. 9:171/2 a.m. — Flashes quick warm smile at Virginia, sorting mail at other desk. Bends interestedly over desk as though to converse chummilv with her . . . but really in order to scrutinize mail. Does not see any for him. Oh, of course. They have made separate bundle of it and put it away for him. Whv don't they give him his mail! Wants mail! Mustn't give away his eagerness. Must creat impression of total indifference to mail. But wants it! Nobody makes sign of remembering his mail. There must be lots of it. Not more than a couple of hundred the first day, of course! Wants it! Controls self with effort. Breath beginning to be labored. Walks over to bottled water stand. Pours refreshing liquid into paper cup. Glances around to see if one of the girls wouldn't like some. (Aw, let 'em go thirsty.) Wants mail! (But must be courteous.) 9:20 a.m. — Remarks about amount of mail on desk to Virginia. She shakes her head impatiently. Was counting . . . and he disturbed. "Oh, sorry!" Tight-lipped smile, reading: I'll smile to be polite, but you're a pest! 9:21 a.m. — Sits on large desk and swings leg. Still no mail. Wa-a-nts MAIL! When in h ... Ah! Virginia looks at him hesitantly. Slowly scans letter. His mail? HIS! She holds it out to him. ' I think this is a letter for you." He breaks into restrained jog-trot toward Virginia. Licks chops. Mops brow. Seizes letter. Breath comes in short pants. Utters low cries. Fondles. Tortured senses reel with ecstacy. Tears open, frantically. Reads: "Dear Mr. Kruhnalotte: We are sorrv to have to remind you at this time that your gas bill is still delinquent. Unless we hear from vou at once,, we shall feel obliged to shut" . . . HAAAALP! SOUND EFFECT: FALLING BODY. (PAUSE). THEN AMBULANCE SIRFN! Chatterettes Few people know that Helen Guest, she of the sweet melodious voice, celebrated her fifth anniversary at KFI last month and that during that time, she has received telegrams from some of the most out of the way places. She has received messages as far south as the equator and as far north as \ ukon territory, North Pole. • Three weeks after NBC placed a guest register in its Fifth Avenue studios in New York, the first page was filled with such famous signatures as Eddie Riekenbacher, war ace ; Colonel Lindbergh; Roy Chapman Andrews, explorer; Geraldine Farrar, Mary Garden, John Phillip Sousa and others. Nice to have all those signatures on checks, wouldn't it? RADIO DOINGS Page Thirty-thre<