Radio doings (Dec 1930-Jun1932)

WE'RE All Right-The WOREE/S Crazy! There Never Was a College Quite the Equal of Coo Coo College, Nor a Faculty That Could Hold a Candle to Its Two Professors, Van and Don. FOR purposes of identification and as if anybody cared, we are the Two Professors. Now if you still want to read further, do so at your own risk, for you become automatically, ipso facto, per se, hocus pocus, alley oop — a student in that great insteetooshun of higher eddicashun. "Coo Coo College," which we conduct every morning except Sunday at 7:45 PST, over the entire coast network of the National Broadcasting Company. (Let them deny it if they dare.) There, now, you are forewarned. And remember, forewarned is forearmed. And forearmed is two arms too many. Except for an octopus or a paperhanger with the heaves-er hives. But who wants to be a paperhanger? Hang it all, who wants to be an octpus? Anyway an octopus hasn't got arms, an octopus has tentacles, and nine times out of tentacles, it's the octopus that has the hives-er heaves, and not the paperhanger. Now we're getting some place. Our Paid-Up Policy: There may be other institutions of learning — there may be other colleges, but can they compare with Coo Coo? Stop! We'll answer that. No, a thousand times yes! Take any school — take a famous one in Los Angeles. Though we're not at liberty to say what school it is, it's Southern California. We are conscious (well, almost conscious) of certain limitations at Coo Coo . . . for instance we admit our athletic department isn't up to theirs . . . but can their law school compare with our hemstitching and riveting department? . . . Can their engineering department compare with our courses in the advanced technique of handling moustache cups? ... Do they ever rouse thinking men and women to the vital necessity of protecting their homes and children from Pickanthroporphauses Pif hanthromorphuses Teethensophobuses (people who pick their teeth with their knives instead of their forks . . . a menace — menace well as women. And there we have them, my friends. Classroom Subjects, and Predicates — ■ At Coo Coo College, because of our allevasive lack of knowledge on all subjects, our lectures on all subjects are all-embrasive. They include everything which is not taught in the schoolroom or poolroom. For instance take the subject of arithmetic. We are widely by Van and Don The Two Professors quoted by ourselves for stating that we cannot teach division unless we have the undivided attention of our students, that rabbits multiply, and that the most popular forms of division are long division, short division and sub-divisions in Los Angeles. Cal. as She Is : We have a marvelous course in history. The head of the history department is Professor Van-and Don McNeill and Van Fleming don't seem to be getting over so well serenading their wives. And even Billy Page, NBC juvenile, apparently wonders if, perhaps, his tutors are "all there." Don. We interviewed him one time and it was the best interview we ever gave ourselves. He was seated in his study — a dark brown study with green scallops on the sleeves. We provided ourselves with a nearby lamp post and he spoke. "Sometimes as I look back over the events of the past few months I feel as though it were a dream. As a matter of fact it were a dream. I was asleep at the time and awakened to hear LoDo (LoDo is not his real name. His real name which I must withhold for obvious reasons, was Lodo) calling 'It's time you were getting up.' 'Up where?' I asked in a semi-unconscious condition. 'Up in the world,' he simmered. "And I reflected LoDo was right. It was time I was getting up in the world. Today would be my fifty-fifth birthday. (Mother was having some children in for my party) and as yet I had never supported myself. "At once my mind was made up — I would write the history of California." Here are some excerpts from the first chapter which is called "The Gold Flush of '49." In September, 18umpteen, California was discovered by a party of wandering real estate men from Iowa, who gave it the old Spanish name, Minnesota, in honor of their native Wisconsin. As you all know the early history of California is the history of the Spanish Grant. There were two brothers, both of them generals — Ulysses S. Grant and Fay Grant, whom they called Spanish Grant because he came from Italy to distinguish him from his brother, who was already distinguished. They also had a sister, Emmi Grant, who was no relation. This party of explorers traveled along the East coast of California. (NOTE — The ocean was on the other side of California then — that was before the treaty.) They traveled along until they came to Hollywood, which was called Santa Fe, named after the railroad. It was a pretty hot spot even then, was Santa Fe, brother of Frank Fay. When California was ceded to the United States, it was through a clause inserted in the treaty. This was known as the Santa Fe clause, later shortened to the familiar Santa Claus. It is interesting to note that this expedition was headed by a man who later [Turn to Page 19] Page Twelve RADIO DOINGS