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a fool I've been! What a gullible fool!"
David's hard hands imprisoned my shoulders. "Laura, stop it! Now listen to me. Why shouldn't we be sensible? You have a pleasant life, and you don't want to throw it away. I have an important job, and I don't want to throw that away either. Let's look at this sensibly — "
I jerked away from his grasp and whirled to shut off the phonograph. That music, which I once had thought to be the sweetest tune in the world, was suddenly tinny, theatrical and cheap in my ears. "Yes, I'll be sensible," I cried. "I'll be sensible enough, at least, to get out of here. There aren't any words to tell you what I think of you, David. You're — "
His sharp anger cut my words short. "Look here, Laura," he said, hotly, "before you make any speeches, let me tell you a few things. When I came here I was glad to see you — sure, I was. From the very first time we met we had something for each other, you and I. But it didn't mean any more to me than just seeing an old sweetheart I'd never quite forgotten— someone I remembered pleasantly, and wondered about once in a while.
"It was you who put on the act of pretending we'd never met — I didn't. And if I made you a few pretty speeches — well, why not? You're a pretty girl. I never had any intention of letting it go farther than that — until you made it plain that you were willing. Oh, you did it very subtly, but a man can always tell. And you'll have to admit, Laura, that if a lovely woman makes up to a man, that man's a fool not to — "
A great wave of actual physical sickness rose up to engulf me, and I turned to stumble blindly for the door, shaking off David's staying hands.
"Don't touch me," I heard myself saying, and, "Don't touch me!" over and over again, long after I had wrenched open the door and stumbled down the hall, long after David was far out of hearing.
¥ DON'T remember how I got home. I ■■ found myself huddled on my bed, crying as if my heart would break. Wave after wave of humiliation and shame rushed over me, and David's words went round and round in my thoughts. He'd made a fool of me — but, worse, I'd made one of myself. And now what did I have left? He'd shown me what was missing in my life — the sense of being truly and deeply loved that every woman needs. He'd shown me in a way I couldn't ever forget — because he'd shown I could mistake the tawdry for the real.
I thought of Carl. He would never know, in so many words, what had happened. And yet, he'd sensed it, all these weeks. Instead of fighting it, instead of telling me he loved me, he'd just withdrawn more and more. Again, the thoughts that had tortured me the night before raced through my mind. Maybe he didn't really love me, after all. And if that were true — then what, indeed, did I have but a sham of the true marriage I'd once dreamed of, and the knowledge I'd let another man hold me cheaply.
Unable to stand it any longer, I got up and paced the floor. The door to Carl's study was open. Perhaps in there, in the room I seldom entered, I'd find some kind of sanctuary that would
give me solace and the key to what to do. Blindly, I went in and slumped down in the chair at his desk.
A leather-bound notebook lay open on the desk. Carl's writing covered the pages in a bold, black script. Unseeingly I stared at it — until a word, a phrase, focussed my mind — and I was reading it, reading breathlessly, unconscious of anything except the message those pages gave me.
"Last night she wore the black dress again. Today, wherever I look, I see her in it, her hair gold, and her white face that 'was not white but was the color of love.' Always, for me, she wears the color of love and yet I can never tell her."
It was me Carl was writing of! I recognized the poetry. It was from the loveliest of all love stories, Tristan and Isolde, that I had read a thousand times and never realized Carl even knew existed. I turned the page.
"David here again," I read. "I will not be a drag on her happiness. If she really loves him, she will tell me and then I will know what to do. If she doesn't — then surely she understands that, underneath my silence, she is the essence of life to me. She is the moon, the sun, the stars when they all sing together . . ." Could this be Carl?
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