Radio stars (Oct 1935-Sept 1936)

RADIO STARS RADIO LIIUCHS (SELECTED SDICKERS FROR1 POPULAR PROGRflmS) PAT : Say, whut do dey mean by inflation? PICK: Dat mean dey blow up a dollar bill. PAT : Dat's right. I blew up three dollar bills las' night at de bar, and boy! did I get inflated. PICK: Speakin' of inflation— play dat inflation song. PAT: Whut is de inflation song? PICK: "If a hen should lay an ostrich egg — whut would de rooster say?" (Pick and Pat, ONE NIGHT STANDS.) GEORGE: You knoiv, Tom, my uncle was a miner. TOM: Is that so, George ? Well, I was a minor, too. . . . I was a minor until I was eighteen years old. GEORGE: Why, Tom. I didn't knozv you worked in the coal mi)ies. TOM: Who? I never said I ivorked in the coal mines. I said I was a minor. GEORGE: All right— all right. But if you never ivorked in the mines, how were you a miner 'til you ivere eighteen f TOM: Why, George, everybody's a minor till he's eighteen! (Tom Howard and George Shclton, RUDY VALLEE Program.) ALLEN : I'll say ; it'll prove whether or not those theatres can be emptied in three minutes. PORTLAND: Why didn't they make it in color, like "Becky Sharp?" ALLEN: What good would that do? PORTLAND : Well, at the finish, when you all realize what you've done, you could blush unnoticed. (Fred Allen, TOWN HALL TONIGHT.) MOLASSES : Love is supposed to be tender. JANUARY: Huh! So is a thirty-cent steak. (Molasses and January, SHOW BOAT.) JACK: Say, Wilson, I hear you spent the summer in Denver. What's the chief industry there? DON: Opera singers, Jack. You've heard of Colorado sopranos. JACK: Of course, Don. I suppose they get that way from the high allo-uidel (Jack Benny and Don Wilson, JELLO Program.) PORTLAND : This picture of yours should do a lot for the movie industry. 100 BOTTLE: Mr. Baker, I have a very sad dentist. PHIL: Sad dentist? Why sad, Bottle? BOTTLE: He's always down in the mouth. BAKER: Yeah. ... I see. Makes mountains out of molars! (Phil Baker and Bottle, GULF Program.) JOLSON : Speaking of golf, a great many people would like to know if learning to play golf is like learning to drive a car. . . . Well, all I can say is when you learn to plav golf you don't hit anything. MAXINE: Oh, Mr. Jolson . . . today my Granddaddy is 86 years old and he has 25 children. Don't you think I ought to uotifv the newspapers? JOLSON: No! Not yet— why don't you wait until you get the final score? (.11 Jolson and Maxine Lcivis, SHELL CHATEAU.) JESSEL : I'm crossing homing pigeons with parrots. JOLSON: Why, Georgie, what's the idea ? JESSEL: Say, listen — if a pigeon gets lost at least he can ask his way home! (Georqe Jcssel and A! Jolson, SHELL CHATEAU.) FAMOUS INVENTIONS Eyeglasses with vertical stripes for bank tellers so they can recognize their clients when they meet them on the street. Especially large ink Ixittles exclusively for making capital letters. Ink with the spaces already in it so you j don't have to raise your pen from the i paper. A piano with the strings straight up in the air for people who prefer to play the ; harp. Bent smoke for when your chimney gets j bent, if it should. The Bellago ... a bell that when you press the button it rings ten minutes ago. ; This is mostly for getting the firemen to j your house before the fire starts, if it i should. An alarm clock with half a bell so when two people are rooming together it just wakes one of them. (Col. Stoopnaglc and Budd. FORD M(M TOR Program.) MAR)': You know, my uncle celebrated July 4th last February. JACK:' Celebrated July' 4th in February! How, Mary? MARY: Oh, he' shot himself! (Jaek Penny and Mary Liviuystona; JELLO PROGRAM.) DAN: Lissen here, Misery . . . you forgot somcthin'. You forgot dat you owes me two bits. BILL: No, I ain't forgot, Dan. But gimme time. ... I will! (Lazy Dan and Misery Bill, OLD ENGLISH WAX Program.) Printed In llii D B, A. hv Art ToIim Prlntlnc Cinnnany. Onm-llm. N. Jv