Radio stars (Oct 1935-Sept 1936)

RADIO STARS RADIO LRUGHS (Continued from page 106) GRAC I E : My uncle jumped out of a sixteen-story window. GEORGE: Why ?— how come? GRACIE: He a'as supposed to jump out of a thirty-story window, but he lost his nerve. GEORGE: Was he hurt? GRACIE: We don't knoiv . . . he's still unconscious and can't tell us. And my aunt fell downstairs with tzvo quarts of liquor. GEORGE: Did she spill it? GRACIE: No . . . she kept her mouth shut. GRACIE: I used to have a sweetheart ... he was a southeast mounted policeman. GEORGE: You mean a northwest mounted policeman. GRACIE: No . . . southeast ... he was cross-eyed. (GEORGE BURNS and GRACIE ALLEN, Campbell Program.) EMSEE: Tell me one thing, Napoleon. Why is it, in all your pictures, you always had one hand inside your coat ? NAP: That was because of my pugnacious nature. EMSEE: Yes? NAP : Yes, always itching for a fight. (Design for Listening, NBC-WJZ, Sundays, 4:30 p. in., E.S. T.) STRANGER : Hour far can I go into this forest? MINEHAHA : Only half-way. STRANGER: Why only half-way? MINNIE: Because, after that you're coming out. (Design for Listening, NBC-WJZ, Sundays, 4:30 p. m.. E. S. T.) ERNIE: Love is a lot like insurance. The later in life you get it, the more it costs. (Highlights and Harmonies, NBC-WJZ, Fridays 10:00 p.m., E.S.T.) KENT: When a man gives his wife a fur coat, is that love? ERNIE: It all depends whether he gave it to her to keep her warm or to keep her quiet. (Highlights and Harmonies, NBCWJZ, Fridays, 10:00 p. m., E. S. T. 108 PORTLAND HOFFA: I saw a robin this morning. FRED ALLEN: It couldn't have been a robin. It must have been a sparrow with high blood pressure! PORTLAND: It's certainly a cold winter, isn't it? ALLEN: This is nothing. When I was born it was so cold the stork couldn't make it — a penguin brouqht vie? (FRED ALLEN and PORTLAND HOFFA, Town Hall Tonight.) BILLY HOUSE: Believe it or not, Bcrnice here is a blue-blood ... a society debutante. She came out in 1927 . . . and looks as though she hasn't been home since. (BILLY HOUSE on Valle Varieties.) GEORGE BURNS: Is anybody in your family as smart as you? GRACIE ALLEN: Yeah ... my sister. BURNS: Sort of a half-wit? GRACIE: Yeah . . . she's married . . . she's been married for five years and she's still in love. GEORGE: I'm glad to hear that. GRACIE: Yeah — but her husband has -,io idea who the fellow is. BOB BURNS: My uncle has pretty table manners. The other day I took him over to the Waldorf for dinner, and he started eating, using his fingers instead of a knife and fork. My aunt tried to stop him, saying it wasn't sanitary, but he said that if the food ain't clean enough to pick up with your hands then it ain't fitten to eat at all! Uncle was put in jail for stealing hams out in Van Buren, and that pleased my aunt, 'cause she figured he couldn't disgrace her any more. But one day she went down to the Judge and begged to have uncle let out. The judge asked her why, since her husband would only disgrace her again. And she said : "We're all out of ham again." (BOB BURNS on Whiteman Music Hall.) RAY KNIGHT: Toomey is the favorite 'soft drink of China. And the theme song of the Toomey Radio Program is heard on all the radios of the country. We noii' present Miss Lotus Flower singingthe Toomey theme song. LOTUS: (singing) Drink Toomey only zvith thine eyes — " (Cuckoo Clock Program, NBC-WJZ; Saturdays, 6:00 p. m., E.S. T.) ERNIE: This afternoon I threw discretion to the winds and bet my room rent on a horse. KENT: So tomorrow you collect? ERNIE: No, tomorrow I move in with the horse. (Highlights and Harmonies, NBC-WJZ, Sundays, 10:30 p.m., E.S.T.) WALLINGTON: Gee— a Clipper! That's the last word in airplanes. CANTOR: No, Jimmy. The last word is "jump." WALLINGTON: What a strange land! You know, here, the Ethiopians pray in the streets. CANTOR: That's nothing. In America the pedestrians do the same thing! CANTOR: Look at the Rhumba those girls are doing! I'd like to bring them back to America to dance for Congress. WALLINGTON: Why? CANTOR: That would be the greatest motion ever brought before the house! RUSSIAN : Boy, you should hear me play that old song, Petunia! CANTOR: Petunia? How does it go? RUSSIAN: Pe-tunia old grey bonnet. . . . PARK YAK ARKUS: This is a League of Nations farm. CANTOR: League of Nations farm? How's that? PARK: I've got Belgian hares, French Poodles, Australian sheep and on the porch are 2,000 geese. CANTOR: 2,000 geese on the porch? PARK: Yeah — Portugese. CANTOR: Did you know that in Washington a man cured hundreds of cases of sleeping sickness with just three ■ WALLINGTON : Three words? CANTOR: Yes! He just stood up and said: "Congress is adjourned !" PARKYAKARKUS: We got a 75cdinner and a $1 -dinner. CANTOR: What's the difference between them? PARK : With the $l-dinner you get medical attention. CANTOR: What's this— only hash? Don't I get any choice? PARK: Sure! You get choice. Take it or leave it! . . . What dessert you want, you lucky fellow? CANTOR: Lucky fellow! But I haven't had anything to eat yet! PARK: You don't know how lucky you are! (EDDIE CANTOR, PARKYAKARKUS, and WALLINGTON in Pebeco Program.) Printed 111 llie V. S. A. by An Color 1'ilntiim Company. Dun. 11. n. N. J.