Radio and television mirror (July-Dec 1942)

"I'm just tired," I told him when he asked. "I wish I weren't going to Washington; I'd take you out to the lake for the weekend and let Mrs. Carew take care of you." "Don't worry about me — it's nothing. Harry — Ken Willis has asked me to have dinner with him Saturday night. Do you mind?" "Of course not," Harry said heartily. "I'm glad you won't be lonely. I've been selfish with you anyway, Carol — keeping you from your younger friends to be with an old fellow like me!" "Don't say that!" I cried. "You're the youngest person I know." There was a sort of wistfulness in his voice when he answered. "I feel young when I'm with you, darling. Well — take good care of yourself. I'll call you the minute I get back." I could hear his whistle all the way down the stairs, and I wept as though my heart would break. Ken and I had dinner at his apartment. We cooked it ourselves — and we were very gay with the forced gaiety of those who know their moments must be stolen ones. Everything we did took on a meaning and significance bigger than itself. Every small incident was a token of what lay between us that we could no longer put in words. I made Ken take me home early. And when he kissed me in the shadowy foyer of my apartment, I made myself pull away and run up the stairs. I was running away from the blood pounding in my veins, from that sweet, intoxicating fire — and from my own feeling of guilt. Harry came back the next day. "It's all set," he told me. "I'll leave in two weeks. I'm going to make the announcement at the plant tomorrow morning." "Have you — decided who's to take your place?" "Not yet. I'll wait until just before I go. Did you have a good time last night?" His eyes were, for once, inscrutable. "Yes, it was very pleasant. Has — has Ken still a chance for the job?" "A good one. Do you think he's equal to it?" "I know he'd throw his heart and soul into it." And then I hurriedly changed the subject. Did Harry suspect? Did he know, out of that deep understanding and wisdom of the human heart? And if he did, what would he do? His kiss was almost fatherly when we parted. "I'll see you tomorrow night," was all he said. THE next morning Ken called me at my office. "I've got to see you." Excitement ran high in his voice. "Harry's just announced he was leaving." "I know." "I want to talk to you — tonight." "But I'm having dinner with Harry." "Tell him you'll see him later. This is important, Carol. I've got to talk to you." So I called Harry. It was the first time I had ever lied to him. I said I had to go to a Red Cross meeting and that I'd meet him at my place at nine. I was so keyed up I could hardly do my work. Letters blurred in front 52 The Words You Spoke Continued from page 20 of my eyes as they took the form first of Harry's face, then of Ken's. Tonight would bring some kind of climax that would force me to make my decision. After work I hurried to Ken's apartment. He was waiting for me, with the table laid for two and dinner sent in from a nearby restaurant. We faced each other across it, unable to eat. "I've got a good chance to be promoted to Harry's place when he leaves," Ken said. "I know he's considering me. He'll do what you say — tell him to give it to me, Carol." WHATEVER it was I'd expected, whatever I'd tensed myself to meet, this somehow was not it. Tell him to give it to me. The words had a flat, off-key sound that jarred against the high, singing mood that had always been between us until now. More disturbed than I cared to admit, I could not answer at once. "I can't do that, Ken," I said at last. "Why not?" It wasn't a question; it was like a command. "You know I'd be good at it. He wouldn't consider me if he didn't think so." "That's not the question. I'd be using Harry's love for me to influence him. I can't do that." "You're being foolish, Carol." His keen face was taut with bold, driving energy and I thought again of a Spanish buccaneer. "That job means everything to me. It would make up for the years of half-starving and debt and frustration. And think what it would mean to us — to you and me." "I am thinking of it!" I cried desperately. "That's the very reason I can't ask him. It would be cruel, it would be brutal, to urge him to give it to you and then when he did, to — to reveal to him how we feel about each other." "He'll be hurt anyway, when he finds out we love each other. You can't spare him that. And he won't be hurt any more if I have the job. Can't you see what it would mean for us — we could get married right away." He took my hands. His own were hot and urgent. "We could belong to each other." Yes, we could belong to each other. All the doubt, the questioning would be over. And I would know the fulfillment of my long quest for the ecstasy and pain, the transcendent forgetfulness of passionate love. No longer would I have to hold back from a touch, from a kiss ... I drew a deep breath. "Then I'll tell him first how we feel about each other." Ken's chair rasped over the floor as he pushed it back and stood up. "And ruin deliberately the chance I have of getting the job! Can't you see — " "I can see you're asking me to use a fine, generous man." Those were the bitterest words I've ever said, the bitterest thought I've ever known. I made myself go on. "If you get the job it must be because he thinks you deserve it. This business is like a child to him. He's slaved at it, given it his brilliance, his ambition, his heart. If he hands it over to you now, it will have to be because he wants you to have it — not because I ask for personal reasons of my own." "You're blinded by these schoolgirl scruples of yours! One word from you would fix everything. And you won't give it, you'd rather see the chance of a lifetime slip through my fingers. Why?" "I've told you why." For a moment his eyes held mine, hard and angry. Then they softened. He came toward me, slipping his arms around me. When he spoke again, his voice was low and deep with appeal. "I've never asked you for anything, darling. And I've had to take a lot these last weeks, knowing you were engaged to another man when I longed to tell the world you were mine. If you have any sense of fairness, if you love me at all, you'll do this one small thing . . ." I tried to escape that appeal, tried to free myself from those arms that made me weak. "Betrayal's not a small thing. And that's what this amounts to, Ken. Betrayal of something in him and in me — " I broke off. From the courtyard below came a cheerful, tuneless whistling. "That's Harry now! He's coming!" Ken rushed to the window. "He's coming in! He mustn't find you here." "But I can't leave now. I'd meet him in the hall." "Then — then — " he glanced quickly around the room. "Here, hide in the kitchen." "I won't hide! I won't sneak around behind his back like this!" "But you've got to." His hand was on my arm, raising me from the chair. "He can't find us together — " DANIC had transformed him into * something I'd never seen before. It wasn't pretty. "I won't hide, Ken," I said stonily. "Open the door." "Do you know what you're doing? Do you know what this will cost us when he finds us here like this?" "I know what I'm doing. I know a lot I never knew before." For a moment he stared at me, his mouth a grim line. I stared back, stubbornly, implacably. It was like a physical clash. One movement from me and it would be over, I would be safe. 1 had only to run to the kitchen. But I said again, "Open the door, Ken." His eyes fell. He shrugged a little and dropped my arm. He crossed the room and opened the door. Harry was smiling as he came in. His eyes went past Ken's face to me and he stopped smiling. "Why — hello, honey. I thought you said you were going to the Red Cross. . . ." "I did say so," I answered steadily. "I came here instead." His glance took in the table set for two, my bag on the couch. And his eyes went suddenly deep with pain. "I — see." He turned back to Ken. "I was just dropping in on some of the office force this evening, Ken. I'm sorry I've interrupted you and Carol." "Oh, that's all right, Mr. Ormsby." Ken was struggling to be at ease. "Carol was — ah — she was just — " "Yes." Harry looked around. "It's a nice little place you've got here." "I'm glad you like it. I fixed it up myself." "I'm glad you take an interest and pride in such things." Harry wandered over to the end table, looked at the books lying there. He studied the prints over the mantelpiece, strolled over to look at the compact, neat little RADIO AND TELEVISION IVIIRROR