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My Strangest Year Continued from Page 29
first, it was a smart investment ; second, because I'm from a small town in Nebraska and I like fresh air and simplicity ! But I had no idea of escaping Hollywood 'pressure.' 1 hope to stay on in the movies for many years to come. I like Hollywood. I don't know how long I'll stay on my farm ; but for now, anyhow, I like it. I've discovered I can't plan my life as I thought I could ; I can only aim in a certain direction.
Probably the next thing I seemed to be up against was that budget I'd rashly decided I was to follow, or else. I see I'm going to have to back down on that statement I just made, so far as a budget is concerned. I do stay within bounds, as a whole ; but to me there's nothing more useless than a budget for every penny. I made a desperate stab at one, but I threw it out. I'd tacked a copy of everyday expense allotments on the wall of my dressing-room at the studio, so it would stare me rudely in the face whenever my mind might go skipping toward forbidden indulgences. I began to feel more and more like a pauper. I couldn't help feeling doomed to dullness. For my own mental ease I finally threw that thing in the waste basket and swore to trust to common sense discretion and let it go at that.
I've never been able to see this theory of spending money on any and everything just to keep it in circulation, though. I've heard so many tales of misery I want to be prepared somehow for whatever may happen, at least as much as possible. So I may have been impulsive, but I proceeded to be practical, too. I had been tremendously impressed with the argument that investments in industrial properties is sound — when you can see expansion's bound to go a particular way that seems a safer place to put your savings than putting them in extravagant and vulgar splurges.
By the time Spring came along I had learned to smile off headline accusations of conceit, and also I'd reached the conclusion that I'd go to no more parties. I'm very social, or was ; but when you're in pictures it gets so you can't go out and have fun as you used to without letting yourself in for all sorts of nutty gossip. After considerable debate with myself on this aspect of Hollywood I decided it was going to be better to stick to the companionship of a few close pals.
I like to attend to all of my own affairs. I have a memory that is dependable. I'm not helpless. Or temperamental. But so many little details began to creep up on me that I found my only answer to them was to hire a secretary. I found a college graduate who had majored in psychology and I installed her at the studio. There she is working regular hours for me. It's still hard for me to remember I can always rely on her, but I'm getting accustomed to it.
Radio was my next puzzler for this strange year. I'd acted as master-of-ceremonies on Metro's weekly air show. I'd been glad to try that. But when it was time to sign for more radio work I didn't sign, because I didn't see how one could develop in two lines simultaneously. The extra money was tempting enough, but I want to establish myself on the screen and I see this means conscientious work. That being that, I fancied life was boiling down into a simple thing. But not for long ! To my own astonishment, I became aware of a new perspective. I had an ideal pattern for my life ; it wasn't a complicated one. I'd wanted to reach certain goals — become a star, earn good money, own "certain comforts. I realized I'd been lucky — I'd attained these things. What was left? Plenty! No sooner do you get to where you want to be then
everything's different from what you supposed and you have to figure and work for some new goals. Though I'd hit my mark. I'd found complications and circumstance> I'd never known about. And if I were going to hold onto what I had obtained, I'd have to fight !
\\ hen you are working in a picture you are so wrapt up in it that you don't have time to stop and analyze yourself. I had a couple of short vacation trips — to Honolulu and to Alaska. I don't think you can change anything by running away from it; people are the same everywhere. Something inside us attracts whatever situation we find ourselves in. That sounds like I'm the granddaddy of philosophers, doesn't it? I'm not! What I'm trying to explain is that when 1 had breathing spells, got away from Hollywood, I realized I hadn't had the terrific battles a lot of people had had. I realized it was their blank walls, and how they managed to climb over them, that had made them strong characters. I thought of the men and women who were the backbone of the film business ; they had become a very real part of the industry because the} knew life, values. They'd had to be hard workers no matter how disappointed they were ; some of them had shot up fast, but they'd had to handle that break to stay "in Hollywood. And it was hoiv they handled their circumstances that distinguished them.
I was in contact with exciting and unconventional people who shrewdly made the most of opportunities. I began to see Hollywood in a new light. The glamor that is so much talked of was superficial. That wasn't the secret of Hollywood at all.
I hate to quarrel. Instinctively I try to please everyone. And I'd believed the world was quite a fixed, obvious matter. But it isn't, and generous as you want to be, you have to make yourself able to help others by building firmly for yourself. The boy from Nebraska was recognizing the competition and realities of life ! So pretty soon I was no longer making such arbitrary decisions. I'm told I still take myself too seriously — I can't laugli at my ambitions. But why should anyone laugh at what he wants ? I want to become a really good actor, for instance. Picture critics like to dismiss players of my type with witty remarks leading one to suppose we nonchalantly depend upon personality to put us across. Well, I don't !
I have tried to develop my personality, sure, and it's as tough a job as I could tackle. But that's not a movie career in a nutshell. I've deliberately worked to gain an acting technique. To be explicit, here is how I went about it this past year. When I know what picture I am to be in next I read my script thoroughly. I've no say on the story I'm to be in, but I want to get the relationship of niy role to the whole, and know how my own scenes tie in with the ultimate climax — whether its climax is dramatic or comic. Then I go in to the studio and confer with the producer and director, so I'll know exactly what they're aiming at. And I make it clear I want all the help I can possibly have. I don't think I can be good unless everyone on a picture is playing bail. I welcome all the suggestions I can get.
The night before we shoot a particular scene I study my lines for it at home. I arrive on the set ahead of time, having figured out my man as well as I know how to. I took some psychology in college and I think it has helped me reason out why characters react in stories as the}7 do. I'd sav I get more pointers from studying the performances of fine performers than from any other one source. Like most other people in Hollywood, I think Spencer Tracy
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