Screenland (Sept 1922–Feb 1923)

HJJy^oi SCREENLAND C»ii6™*» 29 J J mast interesting. Some of the letters were Here arc a few samples: "Dear Mr. Chaplin: You are a leader in your line and I am a leader in mine. Your specialty is moving pictures and custard pies. My specialty is windmills. "I know more about windmills than any man in the world. I have studied the winds all over the world and am now in a position to invent a windmill that will be the standard mill of the world, as it will be made so it can be adapted to the winds of the tropics and the winds of the arctic regions. "I am going to let you in on this in an advantageous way. You have only to furnish the money. I have the brains and in a few years I will make you rich and famous. You had better phone me for quick action. "Yours truly." "Dear Mr. Chaplin: Won't you please let mc have enough money to send little Oscar to college. Little Oscar is 12 and the neighbors all say that he is the brightest little boy they have ever seen. And he can imitate you so well that we don't have to go to the movies any more, [This is dangerous. Oscar is a real competitor ruining my business] and so if you can't send the little fellow to college won't you take him in the movies with you like you did Jackie Coogan." "Dear Mr. Chaplin: My brother is a sailor and he is the only man in the world who knows where Capt. Kidd's gold is buried. He has charts and maps and everything necessary, including a pick and shovel. But he cannot pay for the boat. "Will you pay for the boat and half the gold is yours. All you need do is say yes to me in a letter and I will go out and look for John as he is off somewhere on a bat, being a what you might call a drinking man when ashore. But I am sure that I can find him as he and I drink in the same places. Your shipmate." "Dear Charlie: Have you ever thought of the money to be made in peanuts? I know the peanut industry, but I am not telling any of my business in a letter. If you are interested in becoming a peanut king, then I'm your man. Just address me as Snapper Dodge, above address." "Dear Mr. Chaplin: My daughter has been helping me about my boarding house now for several years and I may say that she understands the art of catering to the public as wishes to stay in quarters. But she has such high-toned ideas, like as putting up curtains in the bathroom and such that at times I think she is too good for the boarding house business and should be having her own hotel to run. "If you could see your way to buy a hotel in London or New York for Drusilla, I am sure that before long your name and Drusilla's would be linked together all over the world because of what Drusilla would do to the hotel business. And she would save money because she could make all the beds and cook herself and at nights could invent the touches like what I have mentioned. Drusilla is waiting for you to call her." "Dear Mr. Chaplin: I am enclosing pawn checks for grandma's false teeth and our silver water pitcher, also a rent bill showing that our rent was due yesterday. Of course, wc would rather have you Charlie visits the office of the London Weekly Dispatch. "1 wonder what they would say to my silk hat in Hollywood?" he reflected. pay the rent first, but if you could as spare it, grandma's teeth would be acceptable, and we can't hold our heads up among the neighbors since father hocked our silver pitcher to get some beer." T T ERE arc more extracts from a number of the letters selected at random from the mountain of mail awaiting me at the hotel: " wishes Mr. Chaplin a hearty welcome and begs him to give him the honor of shaving him on Sunday, Sept. 11, any time which he thinks suitable." A west end money lender has forwarded his business card, which states: "Should you require temporary cash accommodation, I am prepared to advance you £50 to .€10,000 on note of hand alone, without fees or delay. All communications strictly private and confidential." A man living in Lexington Street, Goldensquare, W., writes: "My son, in the endeavor to get a flower thrown by you from the Ritz hotel, lost his hat, the bill for which I inclose, 7 shillings and 6 pence." A Liverpool scalp specialist gathers that Mr. Chaplin is much concerned regarding the appearance of gray hairs in his head. "I claim to be," he adds, "the only man in Britain who can and does restore the color to gray hair. You may visit Liverpool, and if you will call I shall be pleased to examine your scalp and give you a candid opinion. If nothing can be done I will state so frankly." "Is there any chance," writes Mrs. Violet Pain of 8 Angell-road, Brixton, "of you requiring for your films the services of twin small boys nearly 4 years old and nearly indistinguishable? An American agent has recently been in this neighborhood and secured a contract with two such small girls (twins), which points to at least a demand for such on American films." A widow of 62 writes: "I have a half dozen china tea set of the late Queen Victoria's diamond jubilee, and it occurred to me that you might like to possess it. If you would call or allow me to take it anywhere for you to see, I would gladly do so. I have had it twenty-four years and would like to raise money on it." A SOUTH LONDON picture dealer writes: "If ever you should be passing this way when you are taking your quiet strolls around London, I would like you to drop in and see a picture that I think might interest you. It is the Strand by night, painted by Arthur Grimshaw in i 887. I hope you won't think I have taken too much of a liberty — but I knew your mother when I was in Kate Paradise's troupe, and I think she would remember me if ever you were to mention Clara Symonds of that troupe. It is a little link with the past." "Dear Old Friend: Some months ago I wrote to you and no doubt you will remember me. I was in 'Casey's Court,' and, as you know, we had Mr. Murray for our boss. You have indeed got on well. I myself have only this month come home from being in Turkey for eight years. Dear old boy, I should like to see you when you come to London — that is, if you do not mind mixing with one of the Casey's Court urchins." A Billingshurst (Sussex) mother writes: "Would you grant a few moments' interview to a little girl of 9 (small for her years), whom I am anxious to start on the films? She has much in her favor,