The screen writer (Apr-Oct 1948)

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was now determined to carry out my plan. Mr. Gripes told me that it was an excellent idea. He agreed with me that Mr. Mayer would not be a suitable recipient for the punch and he suggested a prominent actor, preferably Mr. Errol Flynn. Mr. Gripes pointed out that in his opinion Mr. Flynn was an ideal candidate, since being punched in the nose would not seem to him (Mr. Flynn) an unprecedented outrage. He reminded me that Mr. Flynn had both given and received punches at night clubs on other occasions. For some minutes I seriously considered the advisability of punching Mr. Flynn in the nose. However, I finally dismissed him as a possibility, not because he lacked social prominence or other desirable qualifications, but because I recalled that Mr. Flynn was of an athletic build and would unquestionably return the punch with resultant injury to myself. It was at this point that I conceived a truly brilliant plan. Mentally reviewing all previous night club brawls it suddenly occurred to me that they had all possessed one factor in common— invariably there was a womn in the background, usually a glamorous blonde. It was for her favors and/ or honor that the punches were exchanged. I said to Mr. Gripes, and I quote, "It has just occurred to me that the public may be getting rather bored with night club fights in which the woman is always in the background. How would it be if, for once, somebody punched a beautiful blonde in the nose?" Mr. Gripes was profoundly impressed. He said that mine was a brilliant and revolutionary concept and might set an exciting pattern for all future night club brawls. It was at this point that Miss Hepplethwaite announced to Mr. Gripes that Miss Burner was in her (Miss Hepplethwaite's) office waiting to see him (Mr. Gripes). She was immediately admitted and Mr. Gripes very graciously introduced me to Miss Burner, whom I had previously known only by sight. In the course of a very brief visit I readily understood how Miss Bur ner had acquired her nickname of 'Bunsen' ("SHE BURNS WITH A BRIGHT INCANDESCENT FLAME.") I will confess to the Committee that I was consumed with envy of Mr. Gripes who associated with, and was assigned to write a story for this glamorous creature, whereas I, by virtue of my anonymity, was condemned to writing drool like The Marinated Corpse. 'Bunsen' Burner was only in the office for a few moments. After her departure Mr. Gripes and I resumed our interrupted conversation. In the meantime, however, my plans had crystallized. I told Mr. Gripes that in my opinion I could not select a more desirable nose to punch that Miss 'Bunsen' Burner's. Millions of people throughout the civilized world avidly followed the exploits of Miss Burner, both on and off the screen. Whenever she changed hair-dos or husbands the press of the world broke into a rash of headlines. I swore Mr. Gripes to secrecy and he agreed with me that my idea was sensational. He raised a point, however, which we discussed in considerable detail. Mr. Gripes maintained, in effect, that the novelty of punching a blonde in the nose might be offset by the opprobrium which would descend upon me as the perpetrator of the outrage. He explained that in certain circles punching a woman in the nose was still considered unsporting, un-American, unethical and lousy. He maintained that it would be necessary for me to have in readiness an alibi, or, as he called it, a "motivation" for the punch. I said immediately that Mr. Gripes' point was well taken. It was manifestly desirable for me to emerge from the incident in a romantic or sympathetic light. "\ yCY six years of experience at Im■*•* -*-perial Pictures have left me with considerable aptitude for "licking" a story. (Parenthetically, let me say that The Marinated Corpse has baffled no less than fifteen writers to date, but I have already almost com pleted the first draft of a terrific treatment.) After less than an hour of meditation I came up with a solution to the problem, which I confided to Mr. Gripes. Mr. Gripes was astounded by what he termed the sheer genius of my solution. I explained that when questioned, (after punching Miss Burner in the nose) , I would maintain an attitude of mysterious, but dignified silence. In effect, I continued, I would place the onus of explanation upon the individual reader of the newspaper accounts of the fracas. My only statement to the press would be a terse "No comment. My lips are sealed." This cryptic statement, I figured, would cause a great deal of speculation, limited only by the imagination of the individual reader. It seemed obvious to me, however, that the incident could not but redound to my credit. The executives of Imperial Pictures, learning of the incident, would be, I was quite satisfied, deeply impressed. It would, I felt sure, occur to them that any man who went around punching blondes in the nose at night clubs must be a sophisticated and worldly character, well qualified to write Burner vehicles and obviously wasting his talents in writing drivel like The Marinated Corpse. I will confess to the Committee that I permitted my imagination to run riot. I envisaged our executive producer, Mr. J. K. Hoffheimer, summoning me to his office, offering me a cigar and then murmuring in confidential tones, "Now tell me, Zilch, as man to man, just why did you punch 'Bunsen' in the nose?" I mentioned these flights of my imagination to Mr. Gripes, who was much impressed. He considered the scene which I had outlined as a very likely contingency. I did not consider it advisable to take Mrs. Zilch into my confidence regarding this latest development in my plan. Mrs. Zilch is somewhat oldfashioned and I anticipated that she might raise objections to this breach of the accepted code or social amenities. I therefore dissembled to Mrs. Zilch and permitted her to assume The Screen Writer, April, 194