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Clean It Up, Kids . . .
"I often wonder why'n'ell They have to say 'materiel'."
— from Songs of a Duck-Billed Platypus.
by CHARLES HOGAN
SOME particularly erratic and uncalled-for behavior on the part of the gods of war resulted in the explosion, right under our very noses, of a couple of panzer divisions of assorted military experts. All of them have the inside track on the whole business and are just about as reliable as those slithery guys who trickle up to you with a sure-fire long shot in the sixth.
These sunporch Napoleons must number at least into the millions — but smart! Why, compared to them Hitler and Himmler were just a couple of rookies wondering if they'd ever get off the bench and up to bat before they were farmed out for another season with the Baden-Baden Boosters.
These boys who peddle their wares under such snazzy designations as "military commentators," "war commentators," "all-around commentators" or just plain, unsullied "commentators" have got the whole military picture locked up and tucked in for the night.
The fact that they can't agree much better than a bunch of sports writers on the eve of a prize fight merely adds zest to their efforts.
But there is one point on which the whole brigade sees eye-to-eye. That is good old Gallic "materiel," which keeps rearing its ugly head every time one of these wizards gets near last week's map and typewriter.
For some bewildering reason the wizards love that word and cherish it, and fondle it, and work on a 72-hour week with no time off for overtime. Every time they want to tell you that an army loses its pants in a battle they report: "The enemy forces fell back to new positions with what was admitted a considerable loss in materiel. This means — " And so on.
Of course, ordinary gutter-grubs who are merely worrying about whether or not the United States should break off diplomatic relations with the Eskimos can figure out that the gents mean "material." If we can't dope it out we can always get that freshman from next door who is studying first-year French in M'sieur O'Rourke's class to come over and translate it for us.
But why should we fritter away all that talent on one measly French word? Why don't these guys either write in English from beginning to