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A Hollywood star had a studio photograph taken, and fumed at the result. "I can't understand it," she wailed. "The last time I posed for you, the photographs were heavenly."
"Ah, yes," the cameraman replied, "but you must remember that I was eight years younger then."
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A college president was wailing to one of his professors about the rise of prices.
"Everything has gone out of sight," he moaned.
"Calm yourself," soothed the professor. "I know of three things that haven't gone up."
"Really?" asked the president, openmouthed in amazement.
"Yes," replied the professor, "your opinion of me, my opinion of you, and the students' opinion of both of us."
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The government official in charge of agriculture had instructed the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded.
"I suppose that's all right," sighed the farmer, "but honest, mister, I'm going to have a helluva time with them bees."
np December, 1950
The applicant for a job as housemaid was being interviewed by the employment agent and was asked if she had any preference as to the kind of family she would like to work for.
"Any kind," she replied, "but highbrows."
"You don't like to work for highbrows?"
"You bet I don't," she said. "I worked for a pair of them once — and never again. Him and her was fighting all the time and it kept me running back and forth from the keyhole to the dictionary till I was worn to a frazzle."
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"You're getting prettier every day." "Well!! No one else had the nerve to tell me that!" "But why . . ."
"No one seemed to think I could be any prettier."
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The after-dinner speaker had talked for 15 minutes. "After partaking of such a meal," he continued, "I feel if I had eaten any more I would be unable to talk."
From the far end of the table came an order to a waiter: "Give him a sandwich."
"Use strategy on him. Start throwing some lucky punches."