Swing (Feb-Dec 1951)

Change-Dur-Calendar Week INSURANCE actuaries came up with the discovery that life expectancy for Americans is longer than that of half a century ago. They credit this longevity to scientific and medical research. This explanation is nonsensical. Any layman knows, if he has been a student of our times, that our greater life expectancy is accounted for entirely by the subtle calendar changes that have taken place in the last few years. The real reason Americans live longer now is because there are more days, weeks and months in each year. For every Gregorian calendar year there are now at least 3650 days, 520 weeks and 120 months, all duly recorded and fittingly observed. While some old-fashioned fuddy-duddies cling to the unsound belief that "30 days hath September, April, June and November," wondrous things have been happening. The days of our years, like a fruitful guinea pig, have been multiplying. Now there are such seven-day events as "Be Kind to Animals Week," "National Pickle Week," and "National Health Week." September, traditionally a conservative month with only four weeks, plus a couple of orphan days, now has at least 24 weeks to the bafflement of those who go around asking what day it is. Necessarily there is some fierce conflict as sponsors of days, weeks and months vie with each other in staking out claims to calendar periods of time. Some of these, however, have a natural affinity for each other. For instance. May 8-14, by some strange compulsion, is both "National Restaurant Week" and "National Cutlery Week". Thus, the bemused citizen may have the blue-plate special and, with fitting nimbleness, simultaneously liberate some silverware as a memento of this double-header event. Eugenics has now been given a new biological twist which will cause pediatricians some bad moments in explaining the birds-and-bees to young, unsophisticated parents. On June 17 there is "Expectant Father's Day." Twenty-four hours later "Father's Day" is observed. On Oct. 8-14 comes another double feature billing with "National Cranberry Week" and "National Wine Week." Certain impatient characters in the back-country combine this into a main event and celebrate it — neat — as "Natfonal Cranberry Wine Week." One of America's most pleasant and oldest diversions, petting, is now unblushingly given the public recognition it deserves. From May 21 through May 30 has been designated as "Park and Recreation Week." By popular demand, this participation sport is held over three days beyond a calendar week. From September 25 through October 1 is "National Sweater Week." In some circles this strikes a falsie note. This affair is heralded as all-wooland-a-yard-wide. However, it is significant that the last day of sweater week muscles into "National Employ the Physically Handicapped Week." Lest it be thought that the possibilities of extending life expectancy have been exhausted by creation of special days and weeks, a few serious proposals are here offered. Manicurists might fittingly sponsor a "Be Kind to Hangnails Month," while rural justices of the peace could tout a "Pay a Fine Day," and divorce attorneys could exploit "Get a Divorce Month." Politically-minded prosecuting attorneys with time weigliing heavily should institute a "Bury the Hatchet Week" — in an enemy's head. For the automobile industry: "Wreck a Jalopy Day", and for psychiatrists: "Lose Your Inhibitions Month." And last, consider the possibilities of a "Visit Your Mother-in-law