Swing (Jan-Dec 1953)

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184 murder and an alleged guzzling. By the by, I need a packet of Berrigan's Burley." "Yes, sir, inspector — we're sure sellin' a heap o' good old Berrigan's Blended Burley these days." "Naturally. That's because good ol' Berrigan's Blended Burley has that richer, snappier, that smo-oo-ther blend of the finest tobaccos with imported chlorophyll — " "Precisely. Why, inspector, Berrigan's Blended Burley is hand'cured, leaf by leaf, by Colonel Berrigan himself, to give you smokers a ne-eu-w smoking thrill." Then, probably, in bounces a pair of shapely feminine gams disguised as a king-size package of Berrigan's Blended Burley. They tap out the theme song — "It's never too late, It's never too early, To buy a bag Of Berrigan's Burley." This is topped off by a smiling female who waves her gleaming teeth at us, twitches her pert little schnozzle and sighs: "Um-m-m! And that zoomy aroma simply sends me, but natch." This is supposed to give a fellow the delusion that just a puff of smoke will transform him into a Poor Girl's Errol Flynn. The shamus puffs back into the plot and the mystery is thus doubly confusing. THE mystery yarns, baffling as they are in themselves, are only a segment of other curious phenomena which permeate the wondrous world of teevy. There is the curious problem of how they ever managed to drag out and dust off all those anna unicycle riders, sword swallowers, patter teams and crumbum comics who were optimistically believed to have vanished when vaudeville expired. There is the enigma of why everybody is presumed eager to buy a certain razor because some muscle man of athletic renown woodenly declaims a pretty little speech to the effect that it sure "gives me, faster smoother shaves, yes sir!" But the king-size mystery of all is the Curious Case of John Cameron Swayze's Hair. Those of us who knew "Swoz" or "Pete" as he was lovingly called in Kansas City during his salad days, are plain bumfoozled by this baffler. In that era Mr. Swayze galloped frenetically from the federal building to the city hall, the calaboose and the court house in Kansas City, to tarry a few flittering moments in the respective press rooms. He was gathering up the news from the newsgatherers who reported to him the results of their hours of toil each day. Then, back he'd hurry to the Journal'Post studios, for his noon newscast over WHB. What there was then of Swayze's hair consisted of some tawny colored strands down the middle of a noblyhigh forehead. Now, Swayze's hair turns up on teevy as a rich ebony glory — and there's almost enough on that distinguished noggin to outfit a Russian Rassler! Has "Swoz", like laundry soap, been enriched with something particularly teevyish — possibly chlorophyll? H-m-m?