Variety (Jan 1949)

232 VAUDEVIUUB Fvrly-third P'j^iETT Anniversary WetlneBday,. January .Sf, I949 WHEN VAUDE WAS IN FLOWER, ACTORS WERE SOCH CUTUPS The By BENNY RUBIN -ate AI Boasberg, Metro tall, but about the same width ,.,.-itn.- U PC vUHinP !)f <hP 'around. His nead was shaven and comedy wutei, vas visjtmg at the ^^^^^ undershirt revealing . Zeppo Marx home one evenmg. g,,^^^,^ shouWers and muscles that Groucho was there too, and after; pigde me think ol a truckhorse. He they got tired playing casino, Al look a step into tlie 100m. Hale «aid to Groucho: !''^<^ Kabakofl' slipped out. "Isn't Arthur. Sheekman staying at your house now?" , "Sure/* Groucho answered, "he's vorking on a script tor me. Why?" But there was 110 f scape for us. The little giant held out his big arms to prevent pur leaving. "Now, Elly," Zeppo said nCry- .ously, "don't get excited. These "Well," Boasberg continued, "he; my friends." once pulled a funny telephone; ^.j, ^^^^^ 3^,^^ ^^^^ gag." With a chuckle, Boasberg; ^j^, ^^^^j .^^^ bellowed like a bull went to the telephone directory, j^j^^ ^ Teutonic accent: "No! No! "We select a number, at random j ^ poleezmens. Dey vont to then WG dial it." Groucho with a big grin watched j beeziness-ss! take Elly. Dey vont to ruin his the prankster. He didn't know that Boasberg, was calling Groucho's home. Nor did Sheekman, when he answered the phone at the other *nd, recognize the gag. Boasberg, making his voice nOund very official, recited: "This Is the Beverly Hills Water Depart- HOLIDAY TIDINGS FROM BUDDY LESTER "Now slaving «t the PARAMOUNT THEATRE NEW YORK po said hoarsely. "We have no A Stage Doorman's Dream of Heaven When Irving Berlin came up, with his now famous "There's No Business Wlce Show Business," he wasn't telling us anything new. But to remind By JOE BROWNING too." That afternoon and evening he did his old act and bowled 'em over like he used to. He sure made 'em yell, and to clinch it, he fin- ished by stopping the showi Joe Biownine US of our head- aches set - to music, and making us sing it and love it, well, only Irving could do it. To prove it let's take a qiiick peek at the career of Smilin' Sammy Smerk who Scared half to death, I started talking fast, pleading with Elly to ^ believe we were not policemen and 1 time to lose. The man is mad." that I had been there before and '^e scrambled into the car and had met him. ■ '■ ■ ' slammed the doors. It was just in I A Very Suspicious Gent \ time.^ Elly was coming at^-^^^^ with J__^ —£— —— the biggest crowbar I had ever Elly looked at me and scowled.' ggg„ ment calling. The main water pipe I Then he advanced and laid his ; 7-^ :„ evnitemcnt has broken and we will require .10 h„ge fist against my chest. ! ^ Zep in ^"'S^^^^''™^;';' hours to repair it.^ Please fill every poleezmens, ya! Und '"etifped Elly reacL th^Wou havl'lmple wLlS'anS Uoo-I will keel you. I keel all ?at"dtis^weVpon. li^'was about drinWne water Z l morn n|•' ; P^l^^^P^?^ 'T.^.*»"^- ^^' ^ -to strike a crushing blow when he dnnKmg water until moinmg. niunteen upschtaus!" frothed at the mouth, wavered Groucho thought that was very^ mistaken, Elly. my and fell to the sidewalk. 'Zep got funny. Especially since he had no ^ - - Idea the call was going to his own an actor." I yelled lor Zeppo to When Groucho arrived home an (.gii ^,0^ off But there was no Zeppo.-Rose and I were alone in : the room with Elly and he thought I we were cops. I Then suddenly the place was And-They, Ban! Baisk hour later, Sheekman had com- pleted the job of filling all the bathtubs and washbowls in five bathrooms and was busy storing more water in pots and pans in the kitchen. Marx, feeling a bit sheepish I was playing the Palace theatre In New York and one of my best pals at the time was Billy Rose. We went to the .old Lindy's Restaurant foi a midnight snack, after the showi While we were eating, Zeppo Marx, Georgie Hale, Broadway dancer-producer, and Harry Kaba- koff, a good featherwei.ght boxer from St. Louis- came in. They sat down with us and in a few minutes, Zep^o was painting a rosy picture of a party that was ,iust about be- ginning in a flat occupied by sev- eral chorusgirls in Brooklyn. These girls, Zeppo said, always have parties that are the talk of friend," I said affecting a brave the car going and we roared down air, "I am not a policeman, I'm , the street. ■ I was mad now. I started calling Zeppo al| the names I could think of. I ,said I would fight him, Georgie' and the boxer all at once ' for bringing us to such a place, I Zeppo replied calmly. "Well if filled with eerie noises. There was you're that tough, why didn t you the sound of chains rattling and cgijt hit liim said. Zeppo trying to get out. "l veiled "again = went on quietly, - but everybody at the top of my voice for Zeppo.' I briiig down here says the same Elly now seized me by tlie neck j """f Kabakoff was holding ha'^'ds."He Reached ^^'r^ wUhN "Tt^^J^^^^ f^J^l^S^ "^ Se^rrai^htdturi'ed'f^^^fs I won t let you suffer. , ^^.^^^ .^^^ ^^.^^ laughing too. I pleaded agam that I was a, ^ slowly dawned 0K-.me that the comedian and dancer, and that! ^hole thing was a rib. T swallowed .er\hVoigrrh^ehou^p.Sthel^ wa^ .iust about ,0 hi Plugs in the sinks and bathtubs. ^^icams^ for^ help.^^ l^,^oiicen"e„ ' ^vhen he had tha, fit. ' 1 s.iic r Just Like a Universal C hilli who were still alive upstairs and "You know._ the little guy with me was a song- writer. . ; . "I give you vun chance vill show me." So while Billy sang, I danced and gulped: "I suppose you fcl- . lows think I didn't know it was a You gag all along. I knew it from the , beginning." This made Billy Rose utter the All the while I was screaming for, first remark he had made during Zeppo. Then the hellish noises' the entire episode: "Why didn't broke loose . again and now I looked at Elly and he was a horri- you tell me, Benny?'' Billy didn't talk to any of us I later learned knew GLrX Ha e so well^ we '''^ ^'^^t- '"^^ ^'''^^^^ '^^^""^ fver^^ all in^tPd Non^nf u^ WIS ^ staggering toward me. 1 that the warehouse was a stable Carried at the time L it was^^^^^ ""^'^^^ '^''' ^'''^ and ! and the tramping of feel were the Ions before we Sliced oui^eTves i ''°^''n- ^ '^""^ ''"^'^^s being disturbed by Kab- iZSt Rose Lid out forTS^'^ ^ ^^'-^"^V'' ^f. ^ . ^^^'^^ T?^'' ^'^^ ' crawled out from under him,; other noises and beat .chains on grabbed Billy by the hand and we j the floor. Elly was the night ran out of the door and into the j watchman, who was always paid street. There, by the light otthe " ' greenish lamp, we saw Zeppo.; Harry and Georgie. "Thank God, you're alive," Zep- but he finally agreed to go along. We started off in Zepp's big car. It was a hot summer night and Instead of being cooled by the ride. It got hotter. We didn't know until we were half way to Brooklyn that Zeppo had the heater turned on full force-^his idea of a cute gag. Zeppo promised that he was through clowning. We tilrned down a street that led to the Brooklyn bridge. Instead of going «n the bridge, however, he cut off and went down to the waterfront Under the first span. "The reason I came down here," he continued, "is that I M'ant to make a stop at a warehouse where we can pick up a couple of bottles of pre-war Scotch. We oughta take the girls something. We shouldn't walk in empty-handed." He pulled up in front of an old warehouse. It was a narrow street lighted by one dim greenish street lamp. Zeppo, Georgie and Harry got out. Billy and I said we would wait for them. : "No, come on in," Zep insi.sted. "I want you to see the big store o£ pre-war whiskey they have in here. It's amazing." It was such an. eerie street that we didn't need much convincing to leave the car and go inside. Zep maneuvered us into a .small office. The place had a bad smell. There were no lights i)Ut the street lamp from outside sent the green rays through barred windows into the room. "I'm sorry," remarked Rose in gentlemanly tones, "that 1 let you get me into this." "Zep, get me out of here, and •luick," 1 said. But the door was suddenly blocked by a monstrous figure. He was only about five feet two inches $10 by Zep to do his act. His foaming at the mouth .wa"s effected by a powder Zep purchased at a drugstore. used to do a comedy single in the dear departed days of good old- fashioned Vaudeville. Sammy was very successful. Not because he was a great comic, singer or dancer, but he knew exactly what the paying customers loved to hear in gab and song and Sammy being a very smart boy fed it to them in liberal doses. He'd open with a home-made comedy song to warm 'em up, go into a i home-made monologue about love,' . marriage, home cooking, relativity . (relations) and other homey topics so dear to the hearts of most home ; folks, a format which couldn't miss ' and then finish with a home-made I lilting comedy song with lots of I extra choriises which usually took 1 him Off to show-stopping applause. I Yes, Sammy was very successful. 'Turn him loose in'any vaude house from Maine to California the- re- .• suit was always the same. He killed the people. His batting average on the books Of the various ■ circuits added up to 98% which was plenty good enough for the bookers who were glad to give him 40-odd weeks workr year after year. Yes, ' Sammy was .very successful. He was raising a nice family, a wife, two kids and putting away lots of green lettuce for that rainy day. But, Sammy wasn't happy. Being the hit of the bill and slaving money was aU right, but being the hit of the bill and the other acts getting all the nice press notices was something else again. That was something that Sammy couldn't I savvy. The reviewers, in mention- j ing the other acts, would come up i with items like these, "Bing & ■ Bang were clever," "Doaks & Doaks were fine," "Zilch & Zilch i wore class," and then wind up with i Smilin' Sammy Smerk "also ap- 'peared." He'd grab the local sheets i after opening day, knowing that 1 he was the outstanding hit of the jbill and .sure as shootin' it would I always be the same — Smilin' I Sammy Smerk was also there, j which was really letting him down i gently. I ^ Itaimcd the I'ress NICK LUCAS In KEN MURRAY'S "BLACKOUTS" : On Capitol Record* ---^ Telewayt Ti'«nscrlption» PeMonal Mflt,! JACK BEEKMAN, Bank of America Bldg., Beverly Hilli One-day he got a great idea. lie began razzing the press boys dur- ing his act. Then the fun began. That's when the fireworks really started. The boys of the press passed the good word along to th«ir colleagues, and they really went to work on him with little tidbits such as "Smilin Smerk smirks again," "Smilin Smerk smells again," etc.. This was bad enough, but when one of the boys wrote, "Smerk is still small time," Sammy redlly went nuts. "Small time,'.' said Sammy, "I'll shoW 'em I can be big time; Up to now I've' been writin' down to my cash cus- tomers, but if it's big time they want, I'll write up to the critics," and re-wrote his entire act and began floopin' all over the circuit, which was crazy, to say the least, In.stead of the homey gags, so surefire, he tried to feed them with what he thought was highbrow satire and reially began laying eggs, king-size. Reports on his act to the home office, week after week, got worse and worse, until the day he was to open in San Francisco when he received a wire from his agent, which read, "Go back to your old act stop new material stinks." Sammy stood there looking at the wire stunned. He folded the tele- gram,_ stuffed it into his pocket, and sighed, "Well, that licks me. 1 can't fight audiences and the press ck ^ The following morning on his way to breakfast he picked up both of the town's papers, turned to, the reviews and sure enougli there it was again. One of them said "Smilin' Sam really has 4 golden smile, you can see the gold in his front teeth from the last row of the orchestra." That was the last straw. Appetite gone, no use going to breakfast, so he walked over to the theatre to see if there was mail or wires, and as he stepped into the stage entrance, he saw the doornian seated in a chair tilted against the wall, di-^ rectiy under the dressing room key-rack, fast asleep, Trying not to awaken him, Sammy reached, picked his own key, which had a big brass plate attached with the dressing room number on it. But, being in a' somewhat nervous state' from his ordeal with the news boys, it slipped out of his hand to the stone floor with a crash that woke the doorman, who jumped to his feet as if he'd been shot. "Sorry," said Sammy, "Awfully sorry, it was very clumsy of me. There you were having a nice snooze, and I had to spoil it." "That's all right, Mr. Smerk," said the doorman. "I have no right being asleep. Suppose something happened? Besides; if the boss caught me asleep, I'd lose, my job, so I should be thanking you." But you know the funny part of it is that I was having a nice dream, a beautiful dream. I dreamed that I died and went to heaven and when ' I got there, Peter, met me at the golden gate to welcome me per. sonally. Yes, he did, and he asked me where I came from. 'San Fran- cisco,' I tell him. 'And, what did you do there says he?' 'I was the stage doorman at the Orpheum,' says I. 'Good,' says he, 'Our keep- er of the gate has been promoted to a higher job, so you can take his place.' 'Now what could be sweeter' says I. 'But, before you start' says Peter, 'This is Actor's Heaven, be careful whom you ad- mit. So put on your wings and go to work.' "Well, after being on the door of the Orpheum for 22 ycar-s, I guess I luiew most of the vaude- ville actors, and also quite a few; legits. I put on my'wings, got on the job, and in no time at all the actors began to arrive. There were acrobats, song and dance teams, jugglers, sketch artists and single entertainers, like yourself, Mr, Smerk. Sure, I let them all in and no questions asked. They knew me, and I knew them, and it was fine, just a grand reunion. "Then you came along, and while we were greeting each other, who should come racing up trying to crash the Gate, but one of those fresh wisecrackin' newspaper crit- ics. 'Just a moment,' says 1 to him, 'and where do you think you're going.' 'To heaven,' says he. 'To hell you are,' says I, 'and please stand aside.' "Then along comes the feller on the .other paper, and he wants to get by me. 'No you don't,' I tells him,' not while I'm boss here. You're the guys that used to pan the acts, even when they made good, so be' on your wa,y.' Well, they begged and pleaded with me to let them in. They explained that it wasn't their fault the way they panned the acts. They saifl they had to wisecrack in their reviews, to make 'em snappy reading. « they didn't, they'd lose their joM and they had families to support. Well, that got me. Being a family man myself, I began to feel sorry for them. I was really toucheo. And, when they told me they hao children to feed, I felt roysclt slip- ping. If there's one thing I can J stand is hungry kids, I cou d leei the tears rolling down this old lat" of mine, and I was just about w let them into Heaven, v'hen you dropped that big brass key, anu woke me up,"