Variety (January 1953)

90 RADIO-TELEVISIOX Forty-seventh P^YRIETY Anniversary Wednesday, January 7, 1953 POOR LITTLE RADIO "-"By EDDIE DAVIS— COMIC Ladies and gentlemen, By way of diversion, I will do something from Shakespeare. Hamlet’s Soliloquy—in the 1952 manner. (Lights dim . . Spot catches COMIC in the pose of HAMLET. In his hand is a small radio, instead of the usual skull, COMIC, reads his lines in manner of a Shakespearean actor.) TV or not TV? That is no longer the question. Alas, poor little radio, television has replaced you . . . Friends, . Sponsors, and countrymen! Lend me your ears. Go to your Merchant of Venice and say to him ... Avant! Avant! Avant a new television set. (COMIC is now himself) Yes, little radio! Television is here to stay. People are buying sets to match their walls, to match their furni- ture ... I know a fellow who had a set made to match his bathroom; That’s a heckuva place to watch Milton Berle ... I remember when I bought my set . . . I would go out and buy candy, fruit, and nuts. My wife would get up early and make a big batch of coffee and sandwiches. We’d c^ll in the family and the neighbors, sit down in front of the set .all day, and watch the man fixing it . . , Aahh, little radio, what has television got that you haven’t got . . . Television has music! You have music! . . . Tele- vision has news! You have news! Television has Dagmar! (Hesitate to consider) Now you see why I bought a television? ,. . But you still have some things left. Like your breakfast shows, which go something like this: (COMIC as ANNOUNCER) We bring you that charming young breakfast couple, Danny and Fanny. (MUSIC: “RISE AND SHINE,” COMIC now puts on night cap and night-gown. GIRL PART- NER enters wearing morning attire too. Sits down at table with him.) SHE: Good morning, Danny. HE: (Yawning) Good morning, Fanny. SHE: What’s the good word, Danny? HE: Drop dead, Fanny! I’m still sleepy. SHE: Sleepy? . . . Then why don’t you try that wonderful wakeup beverage? Caffeen’s Coffeeless Coffee . . , the coffee that comes in teabags and tastes like cocoa. The coffee with 25% of the caffeine removed. HE: 25% of the coffee beans removed, SHE: 25% of the coffee grounds removed. HE: Leaving you a cup of delicious mud. (HE lights him- self a cigaret and offers her one) Cigaret? SHE: (Taking one) What kind is this? HE: It’s'a William Morris . . . That’s 10% less than Philip Morris. SHE: Yes, folks! William Morris are kind to your throat. HE: But ruins the rest of your body. SHE: Nine out of 10 doctors smoke them. HE: The Tenth doesn’t smoke at all , . . He’s too busy taking care of the other nine. SHE: Remember our slogan. “You’ll be happy tomorrow' you smoked William Morris today.” HE: You know what this means?' You’re dying for a smoke . . , You take a puff, and then have to wait 24 hours to enjoy it. (SOUND: DOG BARKING) SHE: Darling! Do you have a cold? HE: No!, It’s our dog Fidp. He’s barking for his Happy Hound Dog Food. SHE: Dog lovers! Do you want your chow to be a wow? Your terrier to be merrier—Then feed him Happy Hound Dog Food. The only dog food that contains proteins, calcium, magnesium, riboflavin and thiamin. HE: Too bad it doesn’t contain meat. SHE: The only dog food untouched by human hands. HE: It’s made by other dogs. SHE: Listen to the happy bark of the dog who eats Happy Hound Dog Food. HE: (Imitating barking dog) Borsht! Borsht!! Borsht!! SHE: You have just heard a Russian wolfhound. HE: Darling, shall we have breakfast? SHE: I*m not eating now. I'm on a.dietf I’ve put on weight around the hips. HE: Oh, you wouldn’t have to„ worry about your hips if you wore a Hurdle Girdle. Girls! Are you overweight? Do people call you fat slob? Then wear a Hurdle Girdle, It’ll make your fat disappear from the front* and go to the back. SHE: Hurdle Girdles come in three sizes. Large, Extra Large, and Wow!!! ' HE: It’s the only girdle dipped in alcohol. You wear it- and get a rubdown at the same time (SOUND: STATION CALL CHIMES) , (Comic takes off attire and talks to radio again) COMIC And then, little radio, you gave us those never to be for- gotten soap operas . The Announcer would say something like this. (SOUND: SOFT MUSIC) (As ANNOUNCER) And now we bring, you another episode of “Life Can Be ■Beautiful. With John’s Other Wife.”* As we left John ‘ ' and Mary yesterday, John was fast asleep. (COMIC closes eyes and begins whistling snores) 'SHE; John! John! Wake up, John! HE:- 1 Sleepilu) What is it, Mary? SHE: Answer the telephone. HE: The phone’s not ringing. SHE: .What do you want to do? Wait till the last minute? - John! You don’t love me.- = . ; ,. HE: l do so love you, SHE: If you love me, why did you come home late last night? I missed you! HE: Why do you have a heart full of love for me? SHE: No! A sinkful of dirty dishes. HE: (Angry,/Snores again) Good night! • SHE: Why can’t you be like other men? Look at our neighbor Jones. He kisses his wife good night. Why can’t you do the same? HE: I’d love to! But her husband won’t like it! SHE: You’re impossible* I wish I had a car, so’s I could get away from you. HE; Here’s the money. Get yourself a car—anything to please. SHE; Wish I had a home, so I can live by myself. HE‘ : Here’s the money, get ^yourself a home. Anything to please. SHE: I know, you want to get rid of me. Oh, I wish I were dead! HE: (Shoots her) Anything to please. COMIC (as ANNOUNCER! Tune in tomorrow for another episode of “Life Can Be Beautiful.” COMIC (Again talks to radio) And will we ever forget those Quiz programs? (SNAPPY MUSIC) The Master of Ceremonies comes out and says .,. (COMIC does breezy Emcee) How do you do? How da you do? How do you do? Welcome to our Quiz Show. “Take it! And we’ll break your fingers.” The show where everybody wins , . . Last week a man won the jackpot . . . He dropped dead from excitement . . . Do you know what our sponsors did? They sent him to Miami with all expenses paid . . . And now to get on with our Quiz Show. If anybody says the secret word they get a thousand dollars . . . It’s a common word /you find around the house. C,Secretly to audience) Constantinople ... Send in the first contestant. (The contestant enters . It’s a lady with a funny hat and misfit outfit. She speaks Brooklynese.) HE: (As Emcee) How do you do? And what is your name? SHE: Shirley C. Shlump. HE: Shirley C. Shlump!? What’s the C for? SHE: Chevrolet. My mother wanted a car. HE: Married? . SHE: No! For 10 years I’ve been sitting on a park bench i waiting for the right fellow. What have I got to show for it? Splinters! HE: (Laughing it up with personality) Oh! You got lum- ber in you rrhumba. (Still enjoying his joke) I’m an- other Milton Berle. SHE: Must there be another Milton Berle? HE; All right here is your question. In geologic times, What divisions are Canozoic, Mesozoic and Paleozoic? SHE: Hm, kid stuff. HE; Do you know the answer? SHE: I don't even know the question! HE: Oh, I’m so sorry, but you still win a prize-.—^ SHE: (Interrupts) I don’t want a prize. HE: No- SHE: No. HE; Then what are you here for? SHE: I’m looking for the powder room. (MUSIC) . (COMIC again addresses the radio) COMIC: Yes, my little man, shall we ever forget the mys- tery shows you gave us which went something like this; 1 (MYSTERY MUSIC. RADIO ACTOR style) I was sitting in my private office, going through my private papers, with my private eye, while smoking my pipe filled with Tweed ... I always smoke Tweed ... can’t afford gabardine . . . When the door opens. She walked in. . * (MUSIC plays “Frankie and Johnnie.” - (GIRL is sexy looking. MUSIC stops) I looked at this girl . . . What a body! What, a paint job! what lines Tt . I couldn’t tell if she was a girl or a Cadillac. . (GIRL shakes hips) SHE: I’m looking for Bulldog Drummond. ’ % ■ <HE barks like dog) Thank you for introducing yourself, Mr. Bulldog. HE: My friends call me just plain Bull, SHE: Mr. Eull! I’ve just shot my husband while he was eating delicatessen. HE: Where did you shoot him? SHE: Between the liverwurst and the cole slaw HE: Messy, wasn’t it—Did anyone see you shoot him? SHE: The maid, the butler, the housekeeper, the cook, the chauffeur, the secretary and the janitor. HE: No witnesses! SHE: ( Pleading) I’ll pay you anything to help me get rid of the body. (SHE lifts skirt and takes a large roll of bills from her stocking. HE does a wolf whistle) . (Indicating her'knee inside stocking.) This is mv bank. HE: Need a cashier? t SHE (Exposing other leg) I also make money here. HE: Oh 1 A joint account! SHE: (Handing him large roll) Here is an advance of $10,000. HE: (Balancing roll on one hand as though to weigh) : You’re 10 cents short. SHE: And here is a bonus. (SHE grabs Him And bends him ’ over, gives him a long, lingering kiss. Tlpcn she stops . . J \ HE: Quitter! SHE: Will you take the job? HE: Yes! And after I get rid of your husband’s bodv, let’s get married. SHE.: You don’t want to marry; me! You’ll have nothing but a problem. HE: I’ll have no problem. Our marriage will be a 50-50 proposition. When you have a cold, I'll have a cold. When you have a'headache, I’ll have a headache. ! SHE: Yes! But suppose I’ll have a baby? HE: Boy! Have I got a problem? ( (MUSIC) (QOMIC again addresses the radio) COMIC: Yes, little radio, you’ve given us fine entertain- ment, but the time has come when you have to be re- placed by the television . . . You're through! . . . Finished! . . . Washed up! . . . (Holds radio up over head in act of throwing it to the floor. GIRL rushes in) (MUSIC—PLAYOEF) SHE: Stop!! Don’t break that radio! HE: Why not!? SHE: We’ve just been signed for a radio showl HE: (To radio, in'ecsfasi/) YbuYC wonderful .'YouYe mar- - vclous. I love every little tube and condenser in your little chassis! (Kisses radio as HE walks off) (MUSIC PLAYOFF) BROKEN HEART By JACKIE GLEASON Frank Farmore stood on his. terrace looking down at the roof of the church across the way. He watched the aesthetic wooing of the pigeons as they circled and smothered each other in the warm sunlight atop the dome. He glaced at his watch. There was still three hours before train time. He wondered if Marion was up yet. He decided to give her a call. As he stepped but of the glare of the terrace into his apartment he called to his houseboy. “Candido. Will you bring me a double scotch and soda?” “Yesler.” Candido answered from the kitchen. “With plenty of ice.” “Yesler.” In the middle of dialing Marion’s number he stopped and returned the receiver to its cradle. He went over to the Capehart Console and selected her favorite record. He placed it on the machine and turned the volume up so it could be heard by Marion as he spoke to her. As he walked back to the phone Candido handed him his drink. “Thanks, Candido.” “Yesler.” Jackie Gleason He dialed the number and sipped his drink as he lis- tened to the busy signal. He put the receiver back and wondered who she could be talking to. Candido came out of the kitchen to answer the chimes that tinkled in the foyer. Bill Cartel breezed into the apartment. “And how does television’s Number One feel today, Frank my boy.” Frank looked up at his manager and grimaced. “I have television’s Number One hangover.!’ “Which comes as no surprise to me, Frank my boy. You were, sopping up the booze last night like a fugitive from A.A.” . “You want a drink, Bill?” “I certainly do, as I have a hangover that might win a few prizes, too. But* what the heck it was a great party and a fitting tribute to the end of a successful season.” Bill walked over to the Capehart and turned the vol- ume down. “Why have you got this thing so loud for?” .■ “Gh, I was calling Marion but her phone was busy. I’ll give her a call now.” “Oh, I get it. A little romantic music in the back- ground, eh.” “That’s funny.” “What’s funny?” “She doesn’t answer now.” “Well she’s probably on her way over.” “You know, Frank my boy, that girl’s nuts about you. Did you see'her start crying last night when I announced the two of you were getting married in Vegas, next Sun- . day?” Candido brought in the drink. Hearts & Ratin g s ^ “Oh, and, did you notice the kisser on Miltop Lear’s face when I made the announcement? He looked like he could have shot you dead right there and then. Bill took a long drink. “Well, I suppose you can’t blame him. He’s , pretty stuck on her. And, then, you knocked his brains out in the ratings this year. And if that wasn’t enough, tq top everything off you got the best comic award. Hell, lie must be going nuts.” Frank went over tb the console and put a stack of rec- ords on. “Well, all I can say, Frank my boy, is you’re a mighty lucky fellow to be getting a girl like Marion.” Candido came out of the kitchen to answer the tinkling chimes in the foyer, “That’s probably her now, Frank my boy.” Frank quickly went over to the Capehart and put Marion’s favorite tune on. Candido came in from the foyer. “It werese the Welsten Onion and a telelgram.” Frank opened the telegram. He stared at it for a long time. “What’s the matter, Frank?” v Frank held the telegram toward his manager. Bill got up from the couch, walked over and took the yellow paper from Frank’s hand. “This is impossible, Frank my boy. Absolutely impos- sible. What the devil would she do a thing like this for? Why should she run off with Lear to get married for? She must have gone nuts. After all you’ve done for her, Frank, my boy. After the jewelry you heaped on her. After all the time you spent romancing her.” Candido came out of the kitchen to answer the tinkling •chimes. • “Wait a minute, Candido. You don’t want to see any- one now, do you Frank?” Frank shook his head, “Let me answer the door, Candido, he doesn’t want to sec anyone.” Bill went into the foyer and opened the door. Howard Kent stepped in. “Wait a minute, Howie, don’t go inside.. Frank’s just had a bad shock and he Wants to be alone. Stay here, 111 say so long to him and we’ll go down to the bar for a drink,” ■ •■V' H: * S: Bill and Howard saV at the bar. They had been sitting sdently for a long time. “You know, Howie, I don’t know how bad this thing is going to effect Frank. It might wreck his whole career. I-vc been with Frank almost 10 years how and I’ve never seen him go afier anyone before like he. went after Marion. Whenever we’d sit alone at night, just Frank and I. having a couple of drinks, he’d let his hair down and start telling me how much he needed her. He’d tell me how much lie wanted her, how much he had to have her. If he told me once he told me a thousand times how lie had to have her always or he just couldn’t go on. You kiiow when we were upstairs and I went back to say so long to him, Howie? He was just sitting there crying like a baby. I broke up myself, he looked so sad. And, when I Sat down on the couch alongside him and put my arm around him, he looked at me With the most pitiful expression I’ve ever seen and he said, ‘Bill I’ve lost the only sketch writer I’ve ever liked’.”