Variety (January 1953)

94 RADIO-TELEVISION Forty-seventh Variety Anniversary ' Sam Levenson Personal Relationship To Television By SAM LEVENSON One of the special qualities of television performance Is its intimacy. You are present in the homes of millions of people. They feel they know you. Children have been known to talk back to the set. Adults do likewise, but what they say isn't always quite as cute. The personal relationship, when most effective, operates two ways. Since I have tried to talk directly to and about the average American family they have answered me. I don’t get fan mail. I get personal letters. Exhibit A: “We have two girls and [ T .two boys. All of us, including the youngsters have always considered it an ideal family. You know, papa has two boys, mama has two girls, and each child has at least one brother and sister to play or fight with. Now, . after listening to you for the past several months, my children have suddenly decided that eight is the preferred size for a family. The four of them keep badgering us to have four more children. They've even worked Out sleeping arrangements. If the Levensons could, do it, why not we? The children are waiting for you to give the O. K.” " Mrs. R. R. Jamaica Estates, L. I. Exhibit B: “We have a pretty modest home in the town of Teaneck, N. J. We also have a lovely yard for the kids to romp around in and a lovely front porch and lawn. All in all there’s plenty of elbow room. More than I ever Jhad. But for the past year I find my daughters want . to pack their grips and-each feels they want ! to visit with their grandmothers. My husband’s mother lives in an apart- ment house in a congested towit and mymother lives in a dark back apartment and she never gets any sunlight. But these two ungrateful kids can’t seem to find them- selves in their own backyard . Their cocker spaniel, who adores them,, sits alone and waits for them to come home.” Mrs. L. B. Teaneck, N. J. Exhibit C: “Can you advise me on how to break in a new set of false teeth?” . . Mrs;' Dearborn, Mich. Exhibit D: VI am happily married to a man who loves hunting and fishing. We have two boys age 4 and 8. We have a large turtle in our bathtub. With only one tub the turtle has to be moved every time someone wants a bath. We have polliwqgs waiting to become frogs, hopping around the house. Two garden snakes in our car, lightning bugs in a jar, night crawlers in a nice wooden box of sand and grass' in the sewing room. We also have tropical .fish. Now daddy has brought home a wounded pigeon. I even woke up one night and found an owl perched on our bed. Daddy brought a live rabbit to my sister. The rabbit got lost in her coal pile and we had to bring our beagle up to track it down. ,1 have to buy dog food, cat food, turtle food, fish food, and feed a sick pigeon back to health, plus feeding a hungry man and his two boys; I want to be kind to animals, but I feel there is a limit to being kind.” Mrs. C, B. New Haven, Conn. Exhibit E: “My mother makes me wear pants on a warm day. She says that I make, up the rules, but she really does. Why can’t she listen to me for once?” Miss J. C. Brooklyn, N. Y; Exhibit F: “There’s a girl in my class whose name is ^Roberta. She never wants to skip with me, and she.abates me, and always when she hates me she tells the feacher that 1 hate her.” Master R. S. L. Brooklyn, N. Y. Exhibit G: “May I tell you of an experience, When my first grandchild was two weeks old my husband and I went all the way out to Jersey to see him. I remember when my parents came to see any of my babies they would walk into the room, bend over the crib, kiss the baby, hug him, squeeze him, etc. When we asked to see our own grandchild we were told ‘Oh, no! The baby is sleeping, and your footsteps will disturb him and the nurse will get very angry!’ We tried to figure out how come the nurse walked in and out of his room with a cigaret in her hand and didn’t wake him. So we told our daughter-in Jaw to make an appointment for us at such time as the baby would be awake and available.” Mrs. R. J. Miami, Florida Exhibit H: “I received a letter from the landlord of our building which I thought you would be interested in. Here ' it is: ‘Dear Mr. B.: It has come to the attention of the . office that your son has been acting in a destructive and disorderly manner as follows: “ ‘1. He has damaged the fourth floor incierator walls, floor, and basin by a fire which he started. 2. He has caused an overflow in the bathroom of your apartment causing extensive damage to apartment 3-E below you. 3, He runs with firecrackers throughout the corridors, front and rear, causing extensive damage. 4. He disturbs numerous tenants in .the building with his loud shouting and howling, 5. He constantly destroys and damages.the trees and bushes surrounding the building . . . Kindly put an immediate stop to the above-mentioned items, \ otherwise you leave no alternative but for us to charge you accordingly’.” Mrs. L. B. Brooklyn, N. Y. ExibH I: “My 14-year-old son did nothing but sing about the house. Of course, we enjoyed this Very much * a f' e ^Y years. After a while we thought we were en- titled to a rest. Then overnight his Voice changed. It i. ... dropped a whole octave and he could not sing anymore. I Peace and quiet at last—but not for long. He started to play records and do pantomine with them.” Mrs. H. T. Teaneck, N. J. A FIST THROUGH A WALL By ALAN LIPSLOTT- Wednesday, January 7, 1 953 ia, I Love You! Scene: The home of Mitch , a typical comedy writer for TV. Shirley, a typical comedy writer’s wife, and Vicki, a typical comedy writer’s wife’s friend, are having lunch on the patio., - VICKI; (helping herself to. the contents of a chafing dish j Enchiladas always bring out the pig in me. SHIRLEY; In Mitch, too! VICKI: Then I’ll'put his name on these two juicy ones. SHIRLEY; Don’t bother! Mitch can never eat enchiladas again. Doctor’s orders. VICKI; New show, huh? SHIRLEY;. A dilly! “Meet Peter Pooper.” VICKI: And this time? SHIRLEY: An ulcerated colon. VICKI: Terrible! (jabs a fork in the first of Mitch’s en- chiladas) Still have his shingles from the “Crazy Show?” SHIRLEY: The shingles were from the “Bopsy Family.” From the “Crazy Show” he got bursitis, and-he still has it. (Sighs) Bless Dr, Krutcher!. Whenever Mitch men- tions his name, he gets two treatments, a basal metabo- lism and a bloodcount for free. * VICKI: Lucky for him! . SHIRELY: For me, too! How else could I afford a mink stole? VICKI: And who plays Peter Pooper? SHIRLEY: Chippy Morris. He was a riot on the Chau- tauqua. Plays a one-string, cigar-box fiddle and cracks jokes. VICKI: And who would hire an actor-who plays a cigar- box fiddle? . . SHIRLEY: A manufacturer of cigar boxes, VICKI: Each to his own! SHIRLEY: For the supporting cast; the sponsor raided the movies. Cal Sweetzer, who drove a chariot in “Ben Hur”; Benny Fenyock, who was a snowman in “Orphans of the Stor,m,” and Hildegarde Grimes, who played the part of a nut" in the “Snake Pit.” VICKI: Nice casting. Ai d the director? SHIRLEY: None other than Andy Kooblick, who just fin- * ished Life of a Tsetse Fly for the Rockefeller Founda- tion. VICKI: And from this mishmash? SHIRLEY: The sponsor wants a family show. It should be warm with slapstick. It should move leisurely and have plenty of pace. Though the characters are screw- ballish, they should be believable. “Like in ‘Ozzie and Harriet’,” the sponsor said. VICKI: Am I happy my husband sells luggage? SHIRLEY: I keep begging Mitch to learn how to slice salami and put up pickles. ( Sighing ) Radio was so much easier. VICKI: (Spearing the last of the enchiladas) You said a mouthful! SHIRLEY: Like in this week’s script. Mitch wrote a hilarious scene and it all depends on Chippy putting his fist through a wall. VICKI: In radio, this would be simple. SHIRLEY: In radio, yes! The"sound man would punch his fist into the palm of his other hand "to get a thud. Then he Would crush a strawberry box, to get the splintering of the wall. No problem! VICKI: And in TV? SHIRLEY: Murder! Five conferences, Mitch has already had. VICKI: Just for a fist through a Wall? SHIRLEY: First, he hassled with the carpenter. Two joists had to be moved and the Union insisted on an- other man. VICKI: Tch! Tch! Teh! SHIRLEY: You said it! After the joists were moved, a false section had to be inserted. : VICKI: Just for a fist through a wall. My, my! SHIRLEY: Then a painter had to paint the false section the same color as the rest of the wall. VICKI: My! SHIRLEY: And after the fist goes through the wall, the carpenter and his assistant will have to move the joists back to their original places and restore the wall where the hole is. The painter will then have to repaint that area the -same color as the rest of the wall. VICKI: Do you have an aspirin? SHIRLEY: And then the sound man has to dub in the sound. VICKI: Sound! What sound?. SHIRLEY: The sound of a fist going through a wall, Silly! The sound man will punch his fist into the palm of his other hand to get a thud. Then he’ll crush a strawberry box, to get the Splintering of the wall. VICKI: Just like in radio. ... SHIRLEY: Only in TV, the sound man has to have an assistant. VICKI: Now, it’s all set, huh? SHIRLEY: Only for one hitch. After the bankers okayed, the budget, and the engineers okayed fhe. blueprints, and the carpenters remodelled the set and the painters painted the remodelled set and the sound men waited at their posts for a signal from the director. . . . ■ VICKI: Y-e-e-s? . SHIRLEY: Chippy refused to push his fist through the wall. VICKI: Got chicken? SHIRLEY: Precisely! Mitch almost went out of his mind arguing with mirn. VICKI: Poor Mitch! No wonder he can’t eat enchiladas. SHIRLEY: Mitch, to appease Chippy, had a pair of flesh colored brass knuckles made to order. Chippy tried them on. I went to church and prayed. VICKI: And then Chippy pushed his fist through the wall. SHIRLEY: No! He said, “I refuse to take any chances on the hand that strokes the string of my cigar-box fiddle!” VICKI: Sooo? SHIRLEY: So the agency took out a $100,000 policy on Chippy’s fist. From the same company that insures Jascha Heifetz’s fingers. VICKI: And? , ............. SHIRLEY: Chippy still refused. He called his lawyer. VICKI: And Mitch? SHIRLEY: He called his lawyer and the agency called Jerome Lawrence Robert E. Lee (Or How to Be Two>People) By LAWRENCE AND LEE (Jerome and Robert E.) Hollywood. We decided it was high time to do a thorough, scientific thesis on the subject of writing teams. So we made an extensive survey. (Let’s be frank about this: we called up Madelyn Pugh and Bob Carroll and asked them how they were doing on “1 Love Lucy.” What doe s it feel like to be half of a team? Is it like being a twin? Like being ; the rear end of a horse in an old- time vaudeville turn? A ctu a 11 y, if you’re function- ing as only half ahorse, you’d better give up pulling the icewagon! If you and your part- ner are two fractions which add up to a grand total of one, there’s no point in being a team. You must be two integers Which add up to two or more. To be an effective team, one plus one must equal three! Lawrence's dad gave us the formula which has become our working slogan: “If you have a dollar and I have a dollar and we. trade dollars, we still each have only one dollar. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we trade ideas, then we each have two ideas.” Okay. You have a couple of good ideas. What happens then? We get as many questions from the non-team world as songwriters do. The boys who write melodies and lyrics always get the query: “Which came first, the words or the music?” Our queries run something like this: “Which one of you paces and which one sits?” “Who types and who talks?” Who writes the words and who writes the stuff?” We also get the look. It says a lot more than words. It’s a sneer-in-the-eyes, down the nose look, which implies that you shouldn’t be living in the same world as Ernest Hem- ingway and Thomas Mann. The sneer sounds something like this: “Oh, half of a team, eh? Can’t write on your own, craw; you?'’' : Sure we can. But it’s as much fun as playing tennis—all by yourself. , For the sake of posterity, let’s record some actual-con- versations. Ah, how wonderful it would be if we had a tape recording of what Beaumont said to Fletcher while they were struggling for a good yock tag to “The Knight of the Burning Pestle.” What fun to tune in and hear the verbal barbs that flew across the Savoy Theatre as Gilbert & Sullivan spat in each other’s eyes. So turn on the tape and give a listen. This, remember, is for posterity! SOUND: MORNING COUGH.. FEET SHUFFLING INTO ROOM ..LOUD YAWN.. SQUEAK OF UNUSED OFFICE CHAIR . DISTANT, INDELICATE STOM- ACH RUMBLE . THEN SILENCE, A LONG EARLY- MORNING SILENCE. 1ST VOICE: Well? 2D VOICE: Well? 1ST VOICE: Let’s see what you’ve got. 2D VOICE: Let’s see what you’ve got. 1ST VOICE: Well, I don’t have a whole script; I still have to figure out the second-act tag. 2D VOICE: Why, you lazy bum! You promised to have a whole script finished by now! - 1ST VOICE: How much have you got done on your script? 2D VOICE: Well . .. 1ST VOICE: How much? 2D VOICE: It still needs polishing. 1ST VOICE: How much on paper? 2D VOICE: To be frank with you—nothing. Not a line. 1ST VOICE: Same with me. 2D VOICE: Let’s go get a steam bath. Note the delicacy of the approach, the give and take, the friendly banter, the intellectual exercise of two bright minds challenging each other. Oh, posterity, how lucky you are! Let’s listen again. Another time. Another situation. SOUND: MORNING COUGH.. .FEET SHUFFLING INTO ROOM . LONG YAWN. . .SQUEAK OF UNUSED OFFICE CHAIR., DISTANT, INDELICATE STOM- ACH RUMBLE . THEN SILENCE, A LONG EARLY- MORNING SILENCE. 1ST VOICE: Hey! I think I’ve figured out an approach on hovv we tell this operetta. 2D VOICE: Yeah? 1ST VOICE: The Gypsy fortune-teller narrates the whole thing. And at the tag, she turns out to be the mother of the wandering singer who is really the young Prince of Flausenthurn! 2D VOICE: That’s exactly what I told you last night. You said it stunk. 1ST VOICE: It did stink. You didn’t tell it right. 2D VOICE: Hearing you tell it, now I don’t like it. 1ST VOICE: Let’s go get a steam bath. It is obvious even to the casual observer that mutual respeet is the basis of all sound writing collaboration. Respect and steam baths. (Note: we have not queried ' Madelyn and Bob, or other mixed-doubles teams about what they do about the matter of steam baths.) When you come right down to it, being two people is a wonderful system of checks and balances much like two houses of Congress. Sometimes better. A writing partner can be the sandpaper that keeps your mind ever unfuzzj r . A writing partner can also be a crutch which turns you into a lazy no-goodnick. All we can say is that the tennis game is fast, and fun. And it never gets lonely in the steam room. j their lawyers and ... (Phone rings) Excuse me, Vicki. (Shirley goes into the den to answer the phone. She returns in five minutes.) That was Mitch. He showed Chippy Morris and his lawyer that a fist could be pushed through a wall, VICKI: Where is Mitch now? SHIRLEY: He’s in the hospital, having his broken arm set!