Variety (January 1954)

PICT VUES Humor History of ’53 "t HY GARDNER ^ The advent of 3-D, Malenkov; an acting Lt, Governor visiting a labor leader in jail, the GodfreyrLaRosa hassle, the Kinsey Report on Female Behavior, Eisenhower s addiction to golf, traffic, politics, Communism, taxes, Marilyn Monroe, and Rose and Rockefeller alimoney jousts and the UN provided 90% of the themes around which the pro and semi-pro wits and quarterwits embroidered topical joke's. Here is a reprise Of some of the jolliest. Henny Youngman’s comment, when asked vvhether he read a copy of the Kinsey Report, jet-propelled itself around the show-world. ‘‘No,” Henny answered, "I’ll wait and see the movie!” When New York’s acting Lieut.-Gov, ernor Arthur H. Wicks was criticized Hy Gardner by Tom Dewey for visiting labor leader Joe Fay in Sing Sing prison, somebody said Dewey was tidying to burn the Wicks at both ends. ■ Senator Wayne Morse talked uninterruptedly for 22 hours and 26 minutes and, an editor summed it all up by commenting “Every Morse to his own Code!” When Russia’s UN diplomats began to act a little palsywalsy with Washington, Nat Hariris of La yie. Eh Rose figured they probably needed a loan before they could start : a war. ■' ■ When N. Y. City Magistrate Murtagh began dragging in “scofftaws" for failing to answer traffic summonses, teevee actress Syd Smith said this about one violator:. “She’s had her entire -home, redone in Early Parking Tickets.” tii midseason it looked, and rightfully so, that; the N. Y. Yankees were going to rim away with the pennant. Th.s inspired a “Hate the Yanks” campaign— which inspired this crack: “If the rest of the league doesn’t cut it out they’ll be renaming it the Un-American League!” .. Senator McCarthy got married and everybody wondered whether the marriage ceremony also included a loyalty oath. ; When a Russian in a labor camp committed suicide. — JtjhirCam'eron^W-ajze'rerhaiked, lvYou can’t ■blame'Tiiin for wanting to better his position!” The Washington book burning incident created a lucrative new sideline for singer Karen. Chandler — selling matches to State Department librarians. Parade publisher Red Motley made a speech titled “Better Selling for Better Living” and got a request for 700 reprints from the National Cemetery Assn, of Washington, DC. Jane Kean’s Crack During a 'waiter’s pension walkout Jane Tteah waited almost 20 minutes before her waiter would even talk with her. “What die. you stalling for,” she snapped, “your pension to come due?” After a rash of film theatre hold-ups, Oscar Levant observed that “the movie business must be improving.” Another Americanism was uttered when a radio critic, noted that in some of those late, late television movies the only familiar names in the casts were those of the sponsors. , Milton Berie met the most spoiled animal in the world— a rabbit who was an only child! General Carlos P. Romiilo described Soviet policy as “An iron hand with a boarding house reach!” Remember the fellow who wrote a book telling you how to cut corners on your taxes? Well, he’s now. working on a sequel titled ‘-.My Five Years at Leavenworth!” ' Returning G. i.’s who enjoyed. Japanese foodoccasionally.: Were invited to patronize a . West Side restaurant which advertised : ‘ Suki Yaki Like Mother Used to Make.” After Dick Haymes and Rita Hayworth married there Was a rumor around that Rita Was working up a nightclub act with her husband. “But what can she do in person?” was the question. “In a pinch,” was the shrugged reply, “she can always do scenes from her latest divorce!” N. Y. Journal-American critic John McClain’s observation upon the revival of “Oklahoma,” scarcely a man is now alive Who has not become related by marriage to some member of some company of -Oklahoma’.” . A Boston bookshop placed the novel “Live Alone and. Like It” under a shelf marked “Humor.” .... 1 Ed Noble in a Rut . After ABC chairman Ed Noble dropped a hole-in-one at the Wee Burn Country Club a wag noted that Noble holds the record for making holes-in-one — that he’s been manufacturing Life Savers for years. Walter Tenny described an alcoholic as a guy who drinks as much as you do— but happens to be somebody you don’t like. Boxing Commissioner Robert K. Christenberry gave —the-real-mearTiirg of~tlre~lettcrs~U:S:S7R7i~Union of Silently Swallowed Republics. A fellow, called up the boxoffice of “End As a Man” and. inquired if Christine Jorgensen would positively be in the performance that night. Many fans complained that Marciano wasn’t very grateful while knocking put challenger Roland LaStarza. Which made one wit spout: “I wonder how many of his critics would pay $30 to see Rocky starred in a ballet?” After Dior came out with his idea of a high hemline, Jean Carroll said she thought it Was silly because a woman’s most prized asset is a man's imagination. Sir Edmund Hillary, who conquered Mt. Everest, asked a London real estate agent to please find him a flat— preferably oti the ground floor! Bob Cummings told about the French politician who fell asleep during a debate arid woke up to find he’d been named Premier twice, impeached once, reinstated and awarded the Legion of Honor. 1 M islaid the Theatre Fred Allen said Tiis aunt in Brooklyn, hearing that you don’t have to wear glasses to see a Cinemascope movie, left her glasses home— and then couldn’t find the Roxy. Upon hearing that Winthrop Rockefeller was going to settle -with Bobo for some $5,500,000, columnist Irv Kupciriet. claimed that Tommy Manville wired Winnie; “What •re you trying to do—start a price war?” With both Deborah Kerr and John Kerr featured in “Tea and Sympathy,” it was suggested that the hit be retitled “Calling A1I Kerrs.” During the Godfrey-LaRosa humility conflagration a Forty-eighth Anniversary bank teller was held up who displayed real humility. When the yegg stuck • gun lit his face the teller asked “Will tens and twenties be all right, sir?” When the UN complained it had a parking problem some back-seat driver observed, “No wonder. They keep going 'round in ’circles!” A sign in a voting booth behind the Iron Curtain; “Vote Communist— the life you save may be your own!” Unretouched photos of Georgi Malenkov revealed he Avas Russia’s outstanding capitalist— had the biggest corporation. And somebody, after Charles E. Wilson was forced to ’ sell his General Motors stock upon becoming Secretary of Defense, wondered if he’d halve to sell his Defense Bonds if he resigned to return to General Motors. ; _ . . When President Eisenhower started to practice drives on the White House lawn it was. suggested that the “Keep Off the Grass” notices be removed arid replaced with signs reading “Please Replace Divots.” Hayden Wallace eariie up. with the brightest idea yet to put an end to quiz shows; give contestants both the questions and answers and let. them guess who sent them in! ' • « • I1 —By GENE MOSKOWITZ ^ . , , ;. Paris. My friend Herb Kretzmer is real gone, in fact he’s just gone south, South Africa that is. He Was lip visiting me for awhile on a travel junket prepared for him by one of the local wing stations here South Africa is now open game for tourists and the veldt will soon hum with north , enters looking for those lions in the street. However, Herb, , who is the lieppest show biz journalist down there, ar.d runs the spec page for the Sunday Express and other pubs under a barrage of bylines, says the last lion was mortally wounded when a certain HK said that big screens are just magnifying the incompetence of certairi films. Aside from making and breaking pix my friend Herb is also a great .unpublished short story writer and to prove it I submit a few Samples. from his yet unwritten, unpublished manuscript, “Real Gone Stories.” Told to me during riiugg ses— stons^t‘tiiF''Noti veil e E ve Lido" ari"d"pix and legit seances, these outlines may have a few loopholes, but I’m sure you’ll be convinced, as I.ani, that some of them are cool, others crazy, still others gone, but they’ll all stone you: Ladislas Lipsteift had an obsession. Not only was he a great composer, crazy arranger and cool genius, but he loved dogs. Putting Towser and Towskonini together, he decided to write a great concerto one day that could only be heard by dogs. The great wo: k began. He managed to convince 100 unionized musicians that the sounds they were not making were great ultra-frequency music. They .worked and worked and Ladislas worked and worked, and though hydrophobia and runaway dogs increased he pushed his composition to the end; Then one day it was ready. In an empty studio the orchestra played and played and ’ there wasn't a sound, but everybody knew it was great. But suddenly an old janitor, Who had been cleaning up, stopped working and sat down to listen. He was moved and transported, and after it was over rushed up and congratulated Ladislas. Ladislas was aghast and wanted to know if he was being kidded. The janitor assured him it was fine and hummed snatches from the piece. Soon everybody was aghast. They all crowded around the janitor and wanted to know how he heard sounds that no mortal could hear. That was easily understood as the janitor took oft his clothes and. frisked around the podium before trilling them he was a dog. . The French love folk singers, especially if they Rave a guitar accompanying them. So when a leading impresario got a visit from a finger who was a folk singer he Was attentive. The finger didn’t say a word but immediately played up and down the strings and gave out with a fine medley of early Irish, Celtic and American folksongs that soon had the impresario gurgling. The finger was booked into one of the leading night clubs in Paris where even the waiters have gold Louis buried in their gardens. The big moment came. ' After the blackout a heam of light plashed on a guitar which began to play and sing folk songs-in-a-rieh-baritone. •The practical French were enraged and smelled a hoax. They demanded their gold Louis back. The manager quelled them and had the folk finger come out from inside the guitar where a caprice had put him. A series of shrugs Spread over the room denoting that was different, and they all sat down to listen to the folk finger sing. A dance team Who had been doing the same act for 30 years , and lived in the same small flat for 30 years and came home to it every night for 30 years, one night got bored with each other. The man sulked over his Variety and the woman just moped over her mop. After hours of this the man remarked that he couldn’t stand -this cramped apartment any more. He said that one couldn’t even swing a cat in there. So he grabbed his cat and swung it. To this day the blood stains, furry . spots oil the walls and the messy floors prove he was right. The Inelastic India Rubber Band . ‘ A rubber band grew up thinking it was an. India rubber man due to un unfortunate tendency of its mother to lisp. Therefore he neglected to get vulcanized, for India rubber . men never get vulcanized and when he felt he was ready the lure of show biz led him to a carnival. lie presented himself to the boss and told him that he was an India Rubber Man and wanted a job in the side show. The Boss told him that he was mad and that he was only a rubber band, The rubber band was furious, and insisted he was a rubber man. The boss told him to prove it. The rubber band cried, beat his chest, ranted and panted, acted arch and coy (a well known comedy team at the time), broke into a softshoe routine, was cynical and shy, recited poetry, spat on the floor and in general cavorted like a man. The boss was convinced. and decided to hire the rubber band as a rubber man, but when the rubber band stretched but . his hand to sign the contract he broke into little brittle pieces. He was gone. . . . ■ ■ tji # As 1 said, these were just fragments of the K papers, and the smoke and general rumpus (a well knowfysoldier at the time) might have gotten in the way. of my heating everything. It is even possible that a couple of these outlines may be mine. But it was his fault, he started it, and if lie conies up here with a lion to chastise me for lying, why, I'll probably be gone anyway. Wednesday, January 6, 1954 Further Adventures Of Myself (Or a Sure Cure for Waatefulnert) By HAL RANTER Hollywood. As constant readers of this annual seminar may reed] I once labored in the rice paddies of radio, shifted to the cornfields of television and eventually landed in the fun factories of *Filmville. I don’t expect this to last, either. I have never been able to keep a jo very long. Take the Army. I got into that select (ed) group in 1941 but the war ended and I was jettisoned. But no matter how long this lasts X am grateful for one thing that has happened during my career as a screenwriter, I have learned how to get up iri the morning. The rigors of studio life are demanding. The front Office demands that you show up. Preferably before noon. A shoddy attitude, granted, but it exists. Hal Ranter Now, in all my years as a radio author,.! was seldom up before noon, much less any place. Nowadays, though, I’m out of bed by sevenish each morning and I’d like to tell you how to do it. When first faced with the problem of rising early I had a choice of methods: an alarm clock or a rooster. Because they don’t seem to be riiaking roosters the way they did when I was a farm boy, I chose the clock over the cock. But the first week proved that Wouldn’t do. At a quarter of seven, the bell Would put the silence of my room to rout with such sudden ferocity my-heart was running around nervously seeking an exit . even before my eyes could open. Common sense; and frequent reports of coronary cases among .my contemporaries called for less severe methods of waking. So We tried the rooster. I shopped^at the San Fernando Valley Fair for a large, vocal Plymouth Rock. His first day on the job the only one lie Woke was a. neighbor’s Doberman. The Doberman ate the rooster. We slept on and the children arrived at school the next few days just in time for recess. ‘ ' ■ , ’ .. . . ' ■ ._ *r It waTaboiit this time rdiseovered the clock-radio. All . you have to do, the ads said, was set it and forget it. Comes morning, you’ll be awakened With music, soothing and delightful, they promised. How lovely! But clock-radios are expensive and by the time a fellow gets his Jaguar paid off, it’s his wife’s birthday arid he has to have her . shoes half-soled. Then the water bill’s due or you hear where you can pick up a couple of cases of bourbon on sale and what with one thing and another you never seem to have enough money for the clock-radio. ' Need an M.I.T. Degree One day last summer,, the company picnic featured a raffle and when I least expected good fortune, I won a clock-radio. It took only a Week to figure out how to work it: you set thesmall dial to the hour you want. Or is it the big dial? Anyway, you switch off the automatic switchon . . , or switch on the automatic s\yitch-off ... . . !if I had it here, I should show you) . . . then select your station, cut off the alarm and plug in the socket. . But you have to know what .station to select. That first morning, I was startled Up by a group of cowboy musicians, all with sinus trouble, banging madly on their catarrhs and wailing hysterically about the plight of a mountain woman who got a letter edged in black. So pitiful was the tale of woe, a tear coursed down by cheek. I turned my head, buried it in the pillow and sobbed myself back to sleep. No fool, I consulted the radio log of the evening newspaper before selecting: the station for the next morning. Did I say no fool? Fool! I was awakened by a delighted madman who laughingly told the world it was “now 12 minutes to seven— and here’s an oldie but a goodie by ole Woody!” • “Look,” . my sensible wife said to me that evening, “why don’t you set the radio for a news program?” She pointed out that one of my favorite newscaisters, a dulcet-toned gentleman who has an apologetic delivery, comes on at 0:45 every weekday. So I dialed in his station and retired. And it workedv— He-came ofrquietly, almost whisperi ng the news. He’d talk for possibly five minutes before I became aware of his presence. Gradually, I would wake up. His voice would begin to beguile me. I would reach over and turn up the volume so that I could hear what he was saying. • Such a Miserable World ! Then, every morning without fail, it would happen. I Would begin to actually hear the news. Tornado Wipes out city in midwest. Seven car pile-up on Hollywood freeway. Explosion destroys veteran’s home. Spies discovered working in Army mess kit manufacturing centre. Hitchhiker slays pretty baby sitter. Baby sitter slays pretty hitchhiker. Baby slays pretty sitter. Prison riot, Political scandal, Robbery. Arson. Rape. And then the stock market. ; Everything has gone up. Except your stocks. “Getting up?” my wife would aski . “Up! Who the heck wants to get up and go out into a world like that.'” Then my conscience would begin to work on me. Okay* so it’s a terrible world. Lots of things wrong. You realize it. You recognize them. Are you a man? Of course you are! Then get up. Get out of bed. Get out into that World, mister— and .save it! Snap on the light. Yawn. Stretch. Work my lips over my teeth. Stick out my tongue. Turn on the water., Scoop up a handful, splash it on my face. Then horror would strike. I'd look* in the mirror. Bags under the eyes. Bristles of Whiskers. Hair like an abandoned haystack. “Ha!” I’d snort at my reflection. “Look who’s going to save the world!” Aaah! Back to bed! And the children were late for school. Now I come to my discovery. I threw out the dockradio and rely these days on the one thing all. of us can trust: our minds. My method is simple and infallible. Before going to bed each night, 1 say to myself, “Hal, get up at seven o’clock. Get up at seven o’clock. Get up at seven.” I keep repeating this* drumming it into my ■ mind. And it Works. Only once has it failed to get me out of bed by seven. That was last month. For some reason, during the. night, 1 fell asleep. Hair like an