Variety (December 1914)

20 VARIETY SPLITTING UP A 3-ACT. By JOHNNIE Zachary, La., Nov. 18. Dear Con: I suppose you'll be an awful sur- prised guy to hear from me away down in this little slab, but I wouldn't have never wrote you at all except be- cause I want you to do me a little favor. You got me pretty sore the way you rapped my monacker after me and the Cribbage Kid blew the big street, and when I get sore I'm some con- scious guy and when I get conscious- like, I can't write letters to a bloke what I'm sore on so I stopped writin', but you're about the only fella up home what can do me this little favor, so I'm willin' to let bygones be by- gones and slip you an ear-full of healthy scandal. I guess you know about me and the Cribbage Kid splittin' up and maybe you got a lot o' bum steers on that matter, so I'm gonna put you hep prop- er and ease you the right dope on the whole thing. First of all, Con, you know I'm a strictly business man without no skrooples. I stood an aw- ful lot o' rough stuff from Cribbage right from the blow-off. He was up against the old bamboo and it looked like a life habit, but I gradually weaned him often the stuff and in another month Fd a had him smokin' corn husk and likin' it, but when we hit New Orleans I had to take the final Merry Xmti and Happy New Year PALLENBERG'S BEARS Rcprcientative, SIMON AGENCY, Chicago. count. The day we land he-bumps in- to a flock o' puffers from 14th street what was stranded down there since the races closed and inside o' three weeks they had Cribbage usin' every- thing in the drug store except the moth balls. He presided over 18 jubi- lees inside o' three weeks and was fadin' away to a whisper, livin' on nothin' but bananas, cake and hop, so I see it was useless and I threw up the sponge and quit. O'CONNOR. I tried to frame for a cheap, slow ride back to Broadway, but there was- n't a livin' chance. I heard all about that southern hospitality gab and be- lieve me, Con, it goes for the book on the extreme end. Those muzzlers wouldn't separate from a dime if they thought they'd see the Statue of Lib- erty do a Melrose fall. Some o' the stranded chemical kids grew game enough to beat the Sunset for the Coast, but I couldn't see that thirst trip across a sandy circuit so I stuck right fast to Canal street and finally landed a job in a hash hut, slingin' hoe cakes for seven suscans weekly and tips. I hates somethin' awful to go back to the old racket, but you know, Con, I'm a business man and I ain't got no skrooples. One day I jaunts down to the depot to watch the snailers pullin' out for the land o( three sure splits a week, when who do I nail hoppin' off a rattler, but Big Fleece McNutt. And trailin' him was the swellest look- in' soubret that ever buck and winged to a vamp. I'm figurin' all the time that he's toutin the skirts up in Chi (that bein' his regular graft, for he always claimed a swell moll would bite at a bum steer quicker than a half witted hay-seed) and I'm holdin' off the greetin' afraid that his excess was a boob and not wantin' to queer his play, but Fleece walks right over and hands me a Gallagher on the back just like he was expectin' me there to meet him. Then he introduces me to the squaw and before I could make a get- away he throws me in a hack and tells the cabby to pull forte for the St. Charles. On the way over I gets my breath and he explains that him and the broad has been workin' together in vaude- ville for the last two months, doin' a mind readin' act. Fleece is only presentin' her, the skirt doin' all the readin*. but Fleece is there with a good business head and he horns in for a half interest in the act and through some pull he lands a little executive time in the south, that bein' about the only section where's there's no war- rants or indictments chasin' him. Well, Con, when me and the queen get to the stable where Fleece is go- in' to stop, I tells him I'm due for another frolic in the kitchen, but he can't see my alibi and drags me up to a swell stall on the top floor which sets him back just three iron men daily. After givin' the joint the up and down we crashes into the booze ga- rage, the mind reader havin' hopped up-town to get some air. We're sit- tin' down lappin' up a coupla high ones and Fleece was just knockin' over his third heap o' brew and tellin' me his te'tory, when I see a coupla old time Pinks blow in and after givin' us the once over, they come right along and buy in. Fleece gives me the office to close up and throw the key away and I'm there imitatin' a Sphinx when the big one lets out his wail. "Hello, Fleece," he says, "what- ta you think you're goin' to pull off down here? Ain't the goin* strong enough up north for you petty larceny yeggs? The poines are dead down here and they ain't allowin' any book- in', so the best thing you can do is make a quick getaway and hike north for I ain't made a pinch in a week and you're sure some magnet. Besides, I got a new set o' wrist ornaments that I'm anxious to try out and the more I look at you the more you look like day and decides to split up. She real- izes she's keepin' me back and besides she's tired o' readin' these concrete minds, cause the work ts awful hard and she says she'd rather go back to the stock tabloids where all she has to do is rehearse in the mornin's, do three gambols daily and study durin' the night. Besides it ain't so confinin'. Now what I want you to do is look MABEL B. ROGERS and'EARLE S. DEWEY "KING AND QUEEN" of MUSICAL COMEDY TABLOID a good hardware model. And to make it more complete, I guess mebbe you better grab the next train out. Go ahead now and punish that load o' suds and while you're goin', take that wall-eyed mut (meanin' me) along with you." Well, Con, you know I'm a business man and I ain't got no skrooples. I knew if that Dick could get me into his little oil room in headquarters, he'd make me give him a couple inter- esting recitations on the high cost o' livin', so I made a sweet but never- theless effective exit. The mornin' pa- pers carried a short item about Mr. McNutt's sentence, the cops havin' framed him on some kind of a phony charge, and bein' a man of few words and no skrooples, I looked up his mind reader and to make a long story long- er, we hooked up and I've been her manager ever since. Now comes the interestin' part, Con. We were floatin' around on half ra- tions for awhile so I figures it best to keep all the dough in one sock and I talks the dame into squawkin' the love, honor and obey thing. She was formerly gammed up with a small time equilibrist, but we gets a divorce fixed by a lawyer in Chicago what does business on a correspondence plan for sixty bucks and the next day we're married. I never did a better thing in me whole life. You know, Con, cofftt in the room and all that stuff. Anyhow, I'm a business man strictly and business is one thing and coffee in the room another, so me and the old w >man has a long talk the other up Cribbage and take a flash at his behavior. If he's still includin' the lamp and stick in his hotel baggage, there's nothin' doin', but if he's actin' right, I'll talk business with him. Just accidently bump into him and give him a buzz about doublin' up with me again and tell him what a sucker he was to let a clever guy like me get away from him and if he's agreeable I'll let him come on and we'll revive the old act Drop me a line to the above address and send it special delivery, for I'm a little anxious to know how the kid is doin' and if he's off the poppy. Your Pal, SKULL. Turkey Creek, La., Nov. 30. Dear Con: Me and Cribbage was talkin' over old times last night and he suggested I ought to have wrote you about our revival meetin'. He arrived safe, sound and partly sober on the Armour special and right away I took him up to the flat and introduced him to Melba (that's the wife's monacker) and she had a swell layout all waitin* for him. We had a great little flat down in New Orleans, you know one o' those com- bination things with the bed in the wall. Two swell big rooms and a box out on the kitchen sill to keep the eats in. No ice bills or nothin'. We keep milk and all thi_t stuff out there in the air and it never spoils. The wife is a great little housekeep- er too and maybe she can't cook that old Java thing. And the way she can (Continued on page 101.)