Variety (December 1914)

VARIETY 101 SPLITTING UP A 3-ACT (Continued from page 20.) bruise an egg is brutaL You know, Con, I've seen a lot o' those dames stallin' around a gas range, but my Melba can make 'em all do a marathon outa the kitchen. They's nothin* like a handy woman around a flat You know, kid, the old Dutch lunch thing at night with the makin's in a big cut glass bowl and the bottled beer out on the window. And in the mornin' the French rolls and coffee right in bed. But I want to tell you the big news about our openin'. I frames for a three day date in a town called Slaughter, La., playing on a percentage scheme. When we make the burg the old guy what ran the shop asked Cribbage for our photos. The kid gave him a stall about forgettin* them at the depot and hikes up the street to a tin type gal- lery. He comes back with three or four cromos and came near startin' a riot. When the old bird asked him what they were for Cribbage says, "Them's our mug plates, only they was took when we was a little older." The old jasper flew straight up in the air. It seems Cribbage picked out pictures of the mayor, the contable and the city preacher. But you know, Con, I'm a business man strictly without skrooples of no kind and I gave the old boy a line o* gab that overcome the fumble and we started off like a young riot. I'm not goin* to lie nor nothin', but we got more flowers and telegrams than Jake Sternad ever collected at any one open- in* and they tell me this guy Sternad it one of our best little grand openers. That night we was the talk o' the town. One o' the head guys what Melba made in the lobby took us up to his house and talk about beer—we was washin' ourselves in the old brew and all bottled, too. We didn't make much dough on the date, but we certainly had some fun. But the party broke up nasty. Cribbage and Melba had a crash and it looked like a three way split up at the finish. You know Cribbage can't drink much stuff without showin* it and if I do say It myself, I know how to drink. Melba is a little noisy like when she gets her beer on and between the two I had a helluva time. But I'm there with the business instincks, Con, and I got no skrooples, so I diplomatted it over. Melba was arguin* about the war and said all young men ought to join the army if we ever got mussy with Mexico. Then when I said Crib- bage wanted to join once to break his habit, she said he couldn't because he didn't have any teeth. That always digs Cribbage and he roared back that he didn't want to join the army to bite the enemies, he wanted to shoot them. They're been arguin' back and forth ever since and last night she told me to take my choice between her and Cribbage and said if we didn't split she'd write that lawyer guy in Chi- cago and go back to her single. You know. Con, if Melba blew me I'd have to give up the old home life and that goes agin' the grain, but I'm a busi- ness man and I ain't got any skrooples, and my career must gotta be consid- ered, eh? Yours SKULL. Urania, La., Dec. 13. Dear Con: Things is gettin' worse and worser with me, Cribbage and the old woman, and it looks like somethin' will have to be done, so I thought I'drop you a line and get your advice and at the same time have you tip me off on con- ditions up north. What I want you to do is look around and see what they want. I'm in a position to offer a two-men act or a man and woman act or a good single, but you know I'm a business man strictly, Con, and I want to get the right steer before I go mak- in' any wild leaps. Cribbage and Melba is battlin' like a coupla wildcats and I'm getting sick of it. And to make it worse, I've got a hunch that Cribbage is layin' on his hip again, although so far he hasn't pulled any ideas on me. And what's worse he's liquorin* up every night and gettin' to be a regular souse. He's got a new drink called a Bulgarian Bracer and its a darb. When a bar- tender mixes it he puts everything in the glass but the license and three of them would make a female imperson- ator yearn for a finish fight with Jack Johnson. You know, Con, its disgustin' to have a guy like that hangin' around espe- cially where you're hooked up with a swell dame like my Melba and they's got to be somethin' done. The other night he comes home roarin' about the salary cut. Said he read in some paper that they was cuttin' everyone fifty bucks and was tryin' to figure what his bit would be if they started clippin' our weekly take. He figured up that we'd have to pay the managers four dollars a week besides our fares and livin' expenses if they cut us. The wife got her Dutch up and lit into him for an awful call. It seems Cribbage told her he fig- ured it up in algebra and she thought he was talkin' about some town. She made a crack about the poor street car service in Algebra and then he told her she was a delayed blonde that got a pass for the laundry when she should have taken a transfer for the kindergarten. I should have butted in right there, but you know, Con, I'm a strictly business man without no skroo- ples, so I let them battle it out. She hopped up and grabbin* the new per- culator that I got with coupons. She says, "Looka here you parlaid home wrecker, I don't understand why this chump husband o' mine allows you to dirty up our welcome mat, but bein' you're here, I'm goin' to tear off a year or two of gab myself for a change and if you'll unload some o' that ex- celsior outa your ears, which seems to be swellin' up your sky piece, I'll give you a little gospel truth and if you like it. and I reckon you will, meb- be you'll think o' your place when your addressin' a perfect lady and when I get through, grab yourself a flyin' start, for I'm goin* to wrap this skillet around your throat and make it fit like a necktie." Well, Con, what she said to Cribbage was painful. They argued almost all night long, but they musta made up before mornin* because when I woke up in the rocker where they argued MISS Hattie Wilhat OF 4 WILHAT TROUPE 4 Xmas Greetings What the Chicago Rep. of VARIETY thinks of our acts McVICKER'S-One of the biggest hits of the program was that made by the Wilhat Troupe of bike riders and per- formers. This troupe is one of the best of its kind on the boards, and it has elements of comedy that puts it in a class by itself. The act was a riot all the way through, and was one of the live- liest things in the entertainment.--Reed. me to sleep, they was both wrestlin' with a coupla empty beer bottles and both dead to the world. That was a week ago and ever since things has been goin' along a little smoother, but I'm lookin' for the finale anytime, so rush me a letter on conditions up home. I'd like to come up livin' with the wife and workin' with Cribbage, but I'm a business man, Con, and ab- solutely skroopleless and I'll come ready to fill the market want either way. Yours, SKULL. New Orleans, La., Dec. 21. Dear Con: I got your letter addressed to Oak- dale, La., with the information that any kind of doubles could get plenty of work, but I was sure sorry to hear the town was jammed full of singles. I'm blowin' this burg on the boat to- morrow for New York and if they don't pick up much cotton on the way I'll make it by March. I'm cured. The other night that hop head Cribbage went out for a pint with my Melba. She took all my dough and he took my spats and cane. I heard today he was goin' to feature her in a new act where she does a dance on a revolvin' beer keg. He wrote a bartender friend of mine from Chicago and the letter was written on that lawyer guy's stationery. But as I always said, that's the way o' the world and besides I'm a busi- ness man and I ain't got no skrooples, eh, Con? Yours, SKULL. SEVEN YEARS of Continued Success The Laughing Hit of Two Continents Won-By-A-Leg BILLING ON THE MOSS EMPIRES. ENGLAND BILLING ON THE STOLL TOUR, ENGLAND After playing- the above circuits la England for IS months, wo returned to this country to open our season Sept. 21st at Keith's Philadelphia. Wo are •till playing the United time under the guuunc. of ALF. T. WILTON.