W. C. Fields : his follies and fortunes (1949)

W. C. Fields a little sheepish about the pearls he had collected during the past week, looking especially uncomfortable about one passage that referred to the musical daughter of a high government official as "a horse's ass," a designation by no means cleared up by its context, which dealt with the general subject of picnics. The dictaphone company's sending Miss Michael to Fields turned out to be one of the great boons of his life. For the most part, his experiences with the other sex had been costly and disappointing. It was refreshing to him to meet a brisk, efficient woman who was both attractive and companionable but who had no romantic interest in him and no designs on his fortune. He found himself chatting with agreeable freedom ; besides, he began to have that rare and wonderful feeling — a presentiment of lessened responsibility. "See here," he said on her next visit, by which time she had copied off unconstructive comments on sea gulls, butlers, other comedians, trespassers, income-tax officials, marriage, bankers and temperance, "why don't you come out here and take over? Obviously, things are going to pot." Miss Michael, who had just been apprised that thirty-two bankbooks in one corner of the desk had not been sent in for interest computation in more than twenty years, replied that she would as soon work for the comedian as anybody else, and he promptly took on a calculating look. "So, so," he said, "well, we'll strike a bargain. I'll pay you ten dollars a day for every day I need you. But mind, now, not a dime when you're not here." Fields' establishment seemed an interesting and even an educational place of employment, and she agreed to his terms, not without some amusement. Their relationship proved felicitous, and she acted as his secretary and all-around adviser off and on until his death. During the twelve-year period he handed over ten dollars at the end of each day's work, though she was frequently 260