World Film and Television Progress (1937-1938)

COCKA "What this country needs is more marriages, more homes and a bonus for every baby." — Mae West. "I'm really a singing vagabond at heart."— Nelson Eddy. "I fall madly in love with my leading men — only during the making of a picture."— Marlene Dietrich. "I read nothing but classical and historical biographies." — Bobby Breen. "Woolf! Woolf!"— A British Film Tycoon. ITS THE GYPSY IN THEM Thumbing through a bundle of publicity material that had found its way, delicately scented, to my desk, I came across the following little gem of information : "In order to avoid being disturbed, they (the directors of a large chain of cinemas) take a seven-seater Daimler and drive into the Park. Here they hold their meetings complete with Shorthand Typist and Secretary." Sometimes, if you are unlucky, you may catch a glimpse of the Daimler drawn in among the trees while the directors hold noisy revelry in a bosky glade and twine vine-leaves in the greasy hair of the typist, and reporters dressed as fauns and satyrs dance among them, trying to get a glance at the shorthand notes, stained now with champagne and tomato sandwiches. As dusk falls, the great car bears its human freight homewards, tired but happy; now pausing to allow the Chairman to leer at an old woman selling matches, now gathering speed as a dissenting director is thrown out on his great fleshy ear. Other instances of bizarre board-meetings have been supplied to me by my staff of stooges. It is not generally known, for instance, that Punk Pictures hold their meetings on a roundabout on Hampstead Heath, because the directors just love going round in circles. The board of Filthfilms meets in a disused refuse-barge at Chiswick ; while a special cell is set aside at Dartmoor for the directors of Phoneyfilms, all of whom by a happy chance are down at this popular Devon retreat together. Turning from Mr. Coward's photograph to the title page, one gazes at the title, "Present Indicative," and asks oneself, 'Indicative of what?' Mr. Coward has plenty of time in which to discover this. — St. John Irvine Once round the critics and back in time for tea C. A. Lejeune Has a lot to leune. Paul Holt Has only one folt. He likes to pan As much as he can. It is not within the province of this organ To guy Morgan. Jympson Harman Is rather charman. Pat Mannock Never gets into a pannock. Stephen Watts Is full of bon motts. Reg. Whitley Writes pritley. Richard Haestier Makes many a nice gaestier. Ian Coster Is next on the roster. He is a menace At tenace. Campbell Dixon Is never caught mixon His metaphors As we do ors. Beastly Biographies No. 1 MIASMA DEL MONTI Born in Russia in 1845, she became a steppe-dancer at the Imperial Ballet in Snakba. Getting the Imperial Bullet from the Imperial Ballet, she fled to England to escape the Revolution. The Revolution did not follow. After wide stage experience (anything but a wide stage being much too narrow) she stowed away in a cattle-boat to California and was never noticed except by the cattle. Made her debut in pictures as a midwife in The Birth of a Nation. Played the name part in Uncle Tom's Cabin, and one of the hindparts in The Four Horsemen. Her films include Scratch My Back, Oh, No, You Don't, I Wasn't Talking to You, Let's Change the Subject, How's Your Father? Hobbies: bird's nesting, baseball and insulting bus-conductors. Colour of eyes : muddy. Complexion (and everything else) : ruddy. Edited by Mask Me Another She wears a special rubberised make-up mask that covers her entire face, merely accentuating her best features and smoothing over the others. — American Fan Magazine. There won't be no shooting to-day, boys, You're spared from your onerous task, Miss Lulu La Salle (Such a madcap, that gal), Has forgotten her rubberised mask. It seems it was hung out to dry, boys, And the garbage-man took it away ; Without it her pan's Hardly fit for the fans, So there won't be no shooting to-da\ . Hey, hey, There won't be no shooting to-day. DAVE ROBSON SAYS: Physical jerks to the accompaniment of music from the films might well be the cinema's contribution to the nation's "get fit" appeal now being launched. Leg theory in the cinematic sense has but one real interpretation — and that is expressed in bare legs, thigh high. Figures are not even viewed as mere numerals, to the cinemagoer, who finds physical figures more alluring— more exhilarating. Physiologic deduction therefore decrees that the shapely forms of the fair sex, as seen from the screen tripping out a light fantastic to the rhythm of a popular fox-trot, will have more effect than Sir Kingsley's oratorical, national anthem. Not much room, it's true, to do contortionist tricks in between rows of tip-up seats, but judging from the acrobatics performed by mating couples in cinemas. I am sure that such exercise will give colour to the Birth of a new and better Nation, of which the cinema and Sir Kingsley will have just reason to be proud. Now, sir! Miss Dietrich may be gorgeous In filmy crepe-de-chine, When playing one of the Borgias Or the Empress Josephine; Miss Dietrich may be glamorous As lovely Helen of Troy, At times, superbly amorous, At others, gay and coy — But the verdict of her cutter Would take her down a peg, For to him she's bread and butter And strips of pos. and neg. G. BRYANT